It’s been a long time coming, well it feels like it has anyways, but the day I hit double figures on the scale has finally happened!  The fact is it’s only taken 167 days, or five and a half months, which is totally amazing.  Here’s the figures:

Area	Start	Now	Difference
Weight	125.2kg	99.4kg	-25.8kg
Waist	132cm	114.5cm	-17.5cm
Thigh	76cm	61.5cm	-14.5cm
Hips	133cm	117.5cm	-15.5cm
Chest	136cm	119cm	-17cm

I’d love to say that I have watched every calorie and exercised like a person possessed, but that would be a lie as big as the proposed Mining Tax.  I have eaten what I wanted, just in way smaller amounts.  I’ve been more active, but only when I wanted and when my body allowed me to.  I don’t feel like I’ve done anything outstanding, I’ve just lived life with a restriction that’s out of my control.

I went home and saw my folks for the first time since June 2009, when I was at my heaviest, and they were both amazed at the difference.  My Mum and I spent a bit of time discussing whether I’d actually done the work or not.  My Mum has struggled with her weight as well so it was interesting to hear her perspective on my actions.  She holds strong that I’ve done a lot of hard work, but I have to disagree.  I believe that I haven’t had a choice, so it’s out of my control.  If anything I just made one hard decision and then stuck to it.  Once the surgery was done it was out of my control.  I can’t eat the amounts that I used to even if I wanted to.

It’s been really frustrating at times, but the feeling of being 25kgs lighter certainly makes up for that fleeting frustration.  At times I’ve felt really bad for not being able to finish a meal.  My Dad made me some amazing meals while I was visiting and it was close to heart breaking to not be able to finish them.  Not from a food point of view, but I didn’t want him to think that I didn’t like the meal because I didn’t finish it.  I have the same clash of emotions when we eat at restaurants, but it’s more fleeting because I’m not emotionally invested with the chef in that instance.

I have noticed that I don’t like to eat out as much as I used to.  I just see it as a big waste of money because I can’t finish a meal.  It’s changing how I feel about what we cook in our home as well, which has been an interesting side effect.  I’ve started to view every eating opportunity as a once in a lifetime chance.  I can’t eat everything anymore, so I need to make sure what I get is good stuff.

I allowed myself to buy clothes for the first time in six months yesterday.  I had been holding off on buying clothes until I was under 100kg (which I haven’t been since 2003 – that’s 7 years!!!).  It was a weird feeling to be clothes shopping, and somewhat hard to break some long held shopping strategies.  I don’t need to be confined to really loud patterns and bad cuts as much as I had in the past.  In fact I’m starting to move back into the mainstream sizing and styling.  I finally purchased jeans so I can donate the pairs I have now that are slipping off me at every chance they get.

For the first time in many years I felt good about my appearance yesterday.  I felt like I was getting some of the groove I used to have back.  I’m still a big girl, but I’m not as big as I used to be and there’s no excuse any more for me not to dress appropriately, and fashionably.  I actually felt like hitting a pub last night, listening to good music, laughing and dancing the night away.  I haven’t had that feeling in YEARS.

In fact, today I’m heading in to buy some more clothes for work so I can donate the sacks I’ve been living in for the past five months.  Time to get some items that actually fit and I don’t have to worry about holding up whenever I walk anywhere.  I’m nervous about how I’ll go.  I’ve never been a fan of clothes shopping.  I hate those little rooms, their bad lighting and horrid curtains.  My ego is fragile at the best of times but especially now when I’m starting to think that things are going well.  I’d hate to get in there and find that I’m still having to wear clothing that still starts with a 2.

I need to just focus on what’s coming up, instead of what’s behind.  We have an appointment this month to start on IVF again.  Something that has been lingering over our heads for awhile.  I’m now lighter than I was when we first started the IVF process back in 2005.  I hope it makes a difference, but I’m not confident.  Since the D&C in December I’ve only had one period.  It makes a nice change from the bleeding straight for six months, but it’s not filling me with confidence that my body knows what it’s supposed to be doing. Either way we’ll know soon enough whether we’ll be starting our own family.

So, here it is a week after my 33rd birthday and I’m now in double figures.  I guess that’s one of the best birthday presents a girl could ask for.

1. Roller Derby – Skate of Emergency, 2. Baby Kylee’s Bathtime, 3. two little owls!, 4. MOVIES TIME :D

I’m running a little late this week with my Flickr Faves, and I’m sure it won’t be the last time.  I’ve had a busy week with lots of new adventures.

On Saturday I went to my first ever Brown Owls meeting.  Much fun was had and I feel like I’ve got a brand new chapter happening and that’s exciting.  I backed it up with my first ever Roller Derby social skate on the Sunday.  Freshmeat doesn’t start until mid March, but already the new recruits are hyped.  It was a great day out in the sun.

On Monday night we went to the movies with COUSIN and LEE LEE.  We also ran into M and R while we were getting some pre-dinner food.  It was awesome.  We went and saw The Blind Side. It was spectacular.  It’s the first movie I’ve seen in a long time that had a positive vibe to it.  There was a happy marriage and family at the centre of it and the message of the movie was one of hope.  It was awesome.  I left the cinema on such a high and feeling like we can all make positive changes in our lives, and the lives of those around us.  I was also grateful to see a positive marriage portrayed.  I feel sometimes like the world just gives us all negative messages about marriages; that they’re all doomed to fail.  Sandra Bullock rocked in her role and deserves her Oscar nomination.  Tim McGraw was also a great surprise.  I can’t talk highly enough of this movie, if you can afford the movies – go see it!

We also got some wonderful news; my sister-in-law is pregnant!  It’s such great news.  It’ll be the second grandchild and it’s going to be loved like nothing else.  It may also have another cousin some time soon.  We got some great news from my Gynocologist.  We are able to start on IVF.  I’ve been scheduled for an examination on my tubes to see how much damage was done from the surgeries I’ve had.  Once that’s known we can start.  It’s going to be awesome.  For the first time in five years I feel like we may just, finally, get that family we’ve always wanted.

All in all a pretty outstanding week.

I met with the pre-admissions nurse today at Calvary.  It was an interesting appointment.  We talked about the treatment of Indigenous patients.  We talked about outlook.  We talked about nearly everything other than what I was there for.

She ran a group of tests, including an ECG which came back perfect.  Yay!  My blood pressure was even good, which is great.  Hopefully once I lose some more weight I’ll be able to kick the blood pressure medication.  According to the scales today I’ve lost just under six kilos.  A nice little bonus.  I need to go for one big bang before I head into surgery on Monday.  See if I can lose eight kilos altogether.

I’ve spent most of today in bed asleep.  I’ve been so tired after yesterday.  I feel like I’m running a little bit of a temperature at the moment, but that could be because I’ve been sleeping in air-conditioning.  I hope it’s not me getting a cold.

Today while the nurse was running tests and we were talking about everything she kept commenting on how positive my outlook is and how I was funny despite all that was going on.  The nurses at yesterday’s surgery were the same.  (When they put the gas mask on me to go to sleep I told the nurse I expected to have BOTH my eyebrows when I came too.  She laughed and called me crazy.)  I don’t understand it.  I think I might be genetically broken, but I don’t see any other way to be.

What am I going to do?  Go in there like I’ve lost my best friend, my dogs died, my husbands left me and they’re foreclosing on my house?  It’s just surgery.  Surgery that’s going to hopefully give me the family I want and the life I need.  It’s elective surgery.  Yeah, so I’ve had a rather impressive cyst removed in April.  Yeah, so I was in surgery yesterday for something that looked like it’s turned my uterus to cottage cheese.  Yeah, I’ve had the last two months off in serious pain and blood loss.  Who cares.  There’s kids out there that will never get to experience a life because they’re dying before they even got a chance to live.  There’s people out there that are slowly forgetting who they are due to Alzheimer’s and they’re only in their fifties.  There’s Mothers and Fathers dying in front of their kids because of cancer.  There’s lovers, brothers and sisters dying from HIV/AIDS.  Shit, all I’ve got is an addiction.  It’s nothing.  I should be in there yucking it up.

These are the cards I’ve been dealt.  It’s not the end of the world, it’s not exactly the way any of us for wish for things to happen, but in the scheme of things I feel really lucky.  I have a Husband whom I love and adore and who treats me like I’m something special.  I’ve got a family that loves me and keeps me grounded.  I’ve got friends that put up with my mental breakdowns and strange disappearances.  I’ve got a job that’s keeping my spot open for me to return to.  I don’t know what in the world I would have to complain about.

I like to laugh. I love to make other people laugh.  Strangely enough, when I’m really scared I’m at my funniest.  It’s just how I cope.  It’s rare for me to cry over something.  I think the only time I’ve cried in a procedure was when I had my internal x-ray of my uterus and fallopian tubes.  And lets face it, who wouldn’t cry when they’ve got their legs akimbo and four people all crowded around looking at your bits and saying “That doesn’t look right”.  I had a little bit of a moment during that procedure, but I think it was due me.

So, the long and the short of it.  Be prepared for much laughter and bad taste jokes on Monday morning.  I’m going into this the way I want to approach everything in life; looking for the positives and for the laughs.  What other way is there to be in life?

PS.  For those of you interested, and I know I’m a bit of a freak for looking at medical pictures so I’m sure there’s at least one of you out there.  Here’s the photo they gave me to remember my trip to day surgery yesterday.

This is what a healthy uterine lining should look like.  Those two black dots are the opening for the fallopian tubes.

According to the notes that accompanied this lovely keepsake:

Your Procedure:

Hysteroscopy, polypectomy

Findings at the procedure:

Extensive, diffuse polypoid

Change in the lining of the uterus.  Await pathologist report.

I don’t really know what all this means.  I have a follow up appointment to book with him and I guess I just await the pathology report and hope for the best.  I’m not really feeling the love from my girlie bits these days.  Guess they’re just getting me back for all the hating I did on them in my teenage years.  Seems only fair.

PPS.  Aren’t you glad I hooked up my scanner *wink*

I knew nothing about this book when I picked it up.  I didn’t even bother to read the blurb on the back of the book I just dived in with trepidation and a hopeful spirit.  What I got was nothing like what I was expecting.  I was submerged into a tale that truly resonated with me; so much so that at times it felt like kismet that I should be reading this book at this point in my life.

The story centers on Mary Gooch.  Mary is a wife, a pharmacy clerk, a daughter, a sister-in-law, a daughter-in-law all in the body of a 302 pound woman.  Mary lives in Leaford, Canada; a small town where there are no secrets and everybody is watching everyone else.  Mary has grown up in Leaford, fallen in love in Leaford and eaten her way through millions of calories in Leaford.

Lori Lansens tells this tale with a poetic and masterful voice.  Her language is rhythmic and captivating.  The story is brought to life through the strong voice that Lansens empowers Mary with.  While Mary is unable to give voice to her thoughts in her daily life, her internal dialogue is potent and compels this story.

Mary is thrust into leaving her predictable and repetitive life when her Husband, Jimmy Gooch, fails to come how from work on the eve of their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.  This one act of her Husband triggers a reassessment of all the moments in Mary’s life that have lead to this point in time.

Mary remembered, when she was nine years old, stepping off the scale in Dr. Ruttle’s office and hearing him whisper the word to her slight mother, Irma.  It was an unfamiliar word, but one she understood in context of the fairy-tale world.  Obeast.  There were witches and warlocks.  So must there be ogres and obeasts.  Little Big Mary wasn’t confused by the diagnosis.  It made sense to her child’s mind that her body had become an outward manifestation of the starving animal in her gut.

– The Wife’s Tale; page 2.

It’s the battle between Mary and her Obeast that really speaks in this novel.  It casts a light on an epidemic that is killing the Western World in a way that is fresh and raw.  Addiction to food is as real as any other addiction; gambling, drinking, drugs – it’s all the same mental battle.  The voice in the head that compels a person to make the decisions they do.  Mary’s voice has 43 years of experience at pushing her buttons.  It is the love of her Husband, or more importantly the fear of abandonment that she sometimes confuses as love, that gives Mary the impetus she needs to ignore that voice for the first time in her life.

This novel is a coming of age tale; despite the fact that Mary is 43 years old and should know what she wants from life by now.  Mary has hidden in her world.  Shut herself off from the judging gaze of those in her community.  Her weight has coloured everything; every experience, emotion or event.  In her hiding she has given all her power to her Obeast.  Every time she ventures into public her low self opinion is reinforced by the actions of others and in turn the Obeast grows stronger.

When her Husband leaves to ‘find himself’ Mary embarks on a single-minded journey to find him.  Instead what she finds is the power to overcome her fear of living and ventures outside of Leaford for the first time in her life.  Her hunt for her Husband takes Mary to Los Angeles and the home of her Mother-In-Law.

It seems no coincidence that Lansens has brought small town overweight Mary to Los Angeles, where body image reins supreme.  However the experiences that Mary has while in Los Angeles are in no way predictable nor does the end of the book resolve all of them.  It would have been so easy for the Lansens to paint a standard generic view of the beautiful people in Los Angeles, but she skilfully avoids this pothole.

At times the inability of Mary to take control of her life is frustrating and agonizing.  Her lack of confidence in her basic decision making is paralysing and has resulted in her relying on her Husband to do a lot of things she now needs to do to survive.  With her Husband gone, and no return in sight, she must learn to stand on her own two feet.  This struggle for independence is not only a mental one, but it is mimicked in her physicality as well as she is at times unable to support her own weight.

The relationships that Mary develops while in Los Angeles are unpredictable, moving and heart warming.  Lansens shows a side of humanity that is often overlooked in this age of instant gratification and individuality.  It’s through these relationships that she starts to learn how to believe in herself and her abilities.

This book finished leaving me wanting more.  The book, while it ends does not end with everything resolved; which is rare in this age of a thirty-minute wrap up of all of life’s problems.  Lansens has created a great novel that should resonate with a multitude of those suffering under the weight of an eating disorder.  I am one of these people and for the first time I feel like some of the things that I have experienced in my life have been given a voice in print that is not judgmental nor compassionate; it just tells it like it is and it doesn’t offer the magic solution to the problem.  It’s just one woman’s story beautifully and expertly told.

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I realise this seems a little out of place, but a week or so ago I was given a gig with Dymocks Wynyard to review books for them.  Best.gig.ever!  Anyway, I was asked to review The Wife’s Tale by Lori Lansens.  I didn’t even bother looking her or the book up – I just took a chance and said “Sure thing!”.  So they sent the book to me.  I was stunned to find that this story was so close to some of the issues I’m facing now.  How to beat addiction to food.  The book doesn’t provide the key to beating the addiction – so don’t turn to it looking for answers.  Instead look to it for comradery in the tale.  For someone giving a voice to some of the feelings I’m sure we’ve all battled.  I really enjoyed this book.

The style of story telling actually reminded me a little of “The Memory Keeper’s Daughter” which ironically I didn’t particularly enjoy.  I found myself at times re-reading parts just for the lyrical nature of the prose.  It’s a great book.  I recommend it to anyone looking for some great fiction with a twist of the real.

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Had my gyno surgery today and all went well.  I bounced back really well from the anesthetic and I was even paid a visit by the anesthesiologist that will be doing the operation on Monday.  They did find somethings they weren’t expecting so now I have to wait on pathology to see whether they’re nasty or not.

I’ve had a pretty emotional day today.  Lots of highs and lows.  I also haven’t had any Optifast and ate egg sandwiches both at the hospital and at home.  (I couldn’t be discharged if I didn’t eat something and they were so good I wanted another on the way home!)  I’m back on the Optfast strictly for the next four days. I’m hoping I haven’t ruined my chances of getting the surgery done because of my liver, but I’m sort of confident that it’ll be ok in the end.

I’m tired.  I have my pre-surgery appointment tomorrow with the hospital nurse.  Should be interesting.  It’ll be a complete work up and medical history to make sure I’m ok for the procedure on Monday.  It’s all suddenly getting very real.

Not much of a post today. I’ve not eaten much of anything as I’ve been too nervous.   I’ve tried to get my fluids in.

I’m a little nervous about tomorrow, but I’m confident it will all go well.  It’ll take more to be admitted than it will to do the procedure.  I just can’t wait to stop bleeding.  It’s been six months and I’m ready for a break.

Anyway, enough said. I’m going to bed to read.  I’m reading “The Wife’s Tale” as part of review gig I got for Dymocks.  It’s actually scary how much I can relate to this randomly chosen book.  I’m looking forward to finishing it.  It’s slightly depressing given my current situation.

So today I met with the gynecologist.  We went over the events of my surgery from April 2009.  Yet again we got a different account of what happened.  However he did say that there should be a full report which I should have been given back when the surgery was done and it’s most likely in my file at the hospital where the surgery was done.  It’s the same hospital where my next surgery is booked for so we’ll be asking for it when we attend the next booking.

He’s consented to doing the polyp removal and then the IUD can be done by my GP.  I’m really happy with this outcome.  He was a completely different doctor today.  He was relaxed, joking and back to the confident person he was when we originally saw him.  Unfortunately he still didn’t apologize for everything that’s occurred and we won’t be seeing him again after this surgery if we have other options.

If the file we receive from the hospital differs from his latest account of the surgery than we’re filing a complaint with the medical board.  I don’t think we’re being unreasonable.  We’ve spent a lot of time and money trying to have a family and this directly impacts on our chances of achieving that goal.  As a patient you should feel confident that you can find out what happened to your own body.

After my appointment with the gynecologist I headed over to Canberra Bariatric to let them know that I’d be going ahead with the gynecological surgery.  I also got a chance to pick up the additional blood work request that I need to fill on Monday and the script for the blood thinners I need.  I also got some quasi-good news.  Because my liver and kidney function is slightly impaired if my blood results come back next week showing that they’re getting worse while on the Optifast I get to stop the Optifast.  Yay! And not yay.

I also asked if I could have a night off to celebrate a friends birthday.  I got approval to have a meal off.  However the party has been canceled for personal reasons, so I’m going to stick to plan.  Despite my desire for some steak and potato loving.  As much as I would love some real food right now, I think I would love to say I made it through the two weeks without coming off plan more.

I really see these two weeks as a test for the future.  I don’t think I’ve ever stuck to something that was hard in my life.  I’ve always found an out-clause.    I think this is something that has colored my life, and not necessary in a positive way.  I can’t deny that the ability to think around all the possible loop holes hasn’t come in handy over the years.  But I’m positive that the impact of never being true to a goal has affected me as well.

The battle with Optifast today has been manageable.  I nearly threw up the Optifast Chocolate Bar I had this morning, so that wasn’t cool.  But it ensured that I wasn’t hungry again for awhile.  I’ve had jelly, which has been a nice change to the routine.  I’m finding at times that I’m struggling to consume the Optifast due to it’s texture.  I even struggled with the jelly today.  I’m hoping this passes.  I’m not a fan of throwing up and I don’t do it well.  (There’s tears and lots of moving around to try and stop it from happening.)

The weekend should prove interesting.  I’ve been home alone all week and tomorrow HUBBY will be pottering around the house as well.  I’ve got a sewing project to hopefully keep me out of trouble.  I’m concerned that our old eating habits will come into play tomorrow and I’ll stumble.  While I have that one meal up my sleeve and the possibility that I’ll be taken off Optifast I still don’t want to stumble.

I need to focus on next week.  I have blood work on Monday, surgery on Wednesday and my pre-operation assessment with Calvary on Thursday.  Once all that’s done I’m on the home stretch.  I have to talk to the anesthesiologist on Monday about my surgery on Wednesday.  It looks like they might be able to get away with not using a tube during the procedure.  Which I’d be keen for as I got a chest infection last time I had surgery.  I don’t want anything to risk the surgery on 14 December.

I’m not sleeping very well at the moment and I’d like to have some good sleep soon.  I think my afternoon siesta’s during the past week have thrown out my normal sleeping patterns.  I’m also having really vivid dreams.  I think it might be my body detoxing.  At least I hope it’s that and not the acid I’ve been dropping.  (I’m just kidding about the acid.)

Mad doesn’t even begin to explain where my head is at right now.  I have had a feeling for the past few weeks that my Gynecologist was going to move my surgery, and he hasn’t disappointed.  His office called today to tell me that because I’m having a Mirena done that the procedure can’t be done at a Catholic Hospital.  (Don’t even get me started on why this particular stance by the Catholic Church is so very wrong.)

It’s being done to treat a life threatening condition and it still can’t be done at a Catholic Hospital.  Too bad if it was the only hospital I had access to.  Anyway, they want to move the surgery to 23 December, or if that’s no good 20 January 2010.  It was all I could do not to reach through the phone and bitch slap the receptionist.  How is it that in all my paperwork and conversations with them they don’t pick this up until a week before the surgery?

I’m seething.  I’ve called the Bariatric Surgeon’s office to see whether I’ll still be able to have the sleeve done if I can’t have the gynecological procedure before hand.  Hopefully it will be possible.  The concern will be blood loss.  Currently I’m on blood clotters to try and stop the bleeding, but the Bariatric Surgeon wanted to put me on blood thinners prior to the surgery to reduce any risks.  That might not be able to happen if I can’t get this procedure done.

I asked the gynecological office is I could just have the hysteroscopy on the 9th as booked and then have the Mirena done by my GP.    She couldn’t answer that, so I have an appointment with the gynecologist booked for Friday.

HUBBY is fuming.  We’re both so angry and frustrated.  I think tomorrow’s appointment might be a little tense.  This is just another in a ever growing list of why I don’t want to see this doctor.  I feel like it’s too late now to change horses because it puts my bariatric surgery at risk.  I really want to have that surgery done.  (And not just because I’ve done three full days of the Optifast!)   This surgery is going to help me get the life that I want, and deserve, and I’ll be pissed if this doctor is the reason it’s delayed.  Not to mention all the time I’ve had to have off work because of what’s happening with my body at the moment.

Mad.  I’m really really mad.

To add to the madness, the Bariatric Office used the time I was on the phone to them to talk to me about the results of my blood work.  Turns out my Vitamin D is below acceptable levels so I have to take a six week course of Vitamin D.  My liver is also slightly under performing, which is an indication of fatty liver.  One of the markers for my kidney function came back slightly below acceptable levels, but everything else with the kidney’s looks good.  So I just have to have another blood test next week to check on them again and see if the Optifast is exaggerating their performance and to make sure I’m ok for the surgery.  My iron was still low, but better than the reading in October so it looks like my iron tablets are working.  Which is good to know.

Everything was just lined up so nicely, and now this doctor could be throwing a massive spanner into the works.  I’m hoping that tomorrow he’ll tell us that we can have the surgery and then my GP can do the IUD and then I’ll never have to see him again.  I want to start 2010 with all this crap behind me.  I’m so frustrated, I want to cry.