Well, it’s the day of reckoning and we’ve had our pregnancy blood test.  The results came through at 2pm today.  We’re not pregnant.

It’s disappointing, but we had an inclining earlier in the week as I had the first blood test to check for the pregnancy hormone on Monday and it came back negative as well.  I’ve had a few days to process the news so I’m not as shell shocked as I was on Monday night.

The only thing I can think of to describe it at the moment is disappointing.  We’d gone into this cycle thinking that it wouldn’t work because it was the first cycle and there would be things that needed to be done to see how I would react.  (Like the medication and the fertilization.)  But when the fertilization went so well I think we got a little carried away with the possibilities.

In some ways I’ve felt guilty because on one hand I’m kind of relieved that it didn’t work.  I know that’s just fear of the unknown and the “what if I’m a bad parent” thoughts playing out.  But I can’t help but think about relishing our together time a little more now that it hasn’t worked.

We talked together at length on Monday night about what we’re going to do now that it hasn’t worked.  At heart I’m a quitter.  The minute anything looks hard I’m out of there.   I only ever stick with things that are easy for me to do well at.  It’s a horrible trait, but I acknowledge it’s existence.  So it’s really pushing all of my buttons that I can’t quit at this.

Actually, I probably would have quit by now if it wasn’t for HUBBY.   With the cyst, the D&C and the gastric sleeve all happening last year I would have quit a long time ago.  In fact after our first assisted cycle I did quit… for about a year.  I cried “too hard” and so we stopped.  But not this time.   This time I’m going to suck it up and push through until we get our result or we use up all of our embryos trying.  Once that happens we’ll re-evaluate where we’re at.

I’m concerned that if we do stop between cycles I’ll delay us going back again.  I’m a procrastinator when it’s not something I want to do and HUBBY (bless him) allows me to do procrastinate when he doesn’t want to argue.  So really, I need to push through this.

There’s two things I won’t be doing on the next cycles.  The first is acupuncture.  It’s a waste of time and money for me.  I know that other people swear by it, but for me it did nothing.  I never left there feeling relaxed, in fact often I left there feeling like I’d wasted an hour of my time and $85 of our hard earned money.  The acupuncturists I saw were brilliant though, and for their bedside manner I would highly recommend them.  But for me, I’d rather blow the time and money on a relaxation massage.

The other thing I won’t be doing is buying any home pregnancy tests.  I started taking them on Saturday night and it did nothing to help my mood.  I rationalized it by saying that seeing the negative on the test would help me adjust to hearing the news, but all it really did was steal some of the time I could have spent enjoying the possibility.  Although, on some level I think it did help me prepare for the negative I also think it was like peeking at your Christmas presents early.  The next cycle I’m going to wait and have the nurses break it to me.

At times during this process I’ve questioned the wisdom of sharing with people at work, friends and the internet about our journey, but I think (on the whole) it’s been really helpful.  I felt for people that we knew through the internet on Monday and today because it’s so hard to know what to say to someone.  But, that aside, it’s been good to have a community of sorts around us.  We don’t have anyone in our immediate circle that’s been through this so it’s great to be able to tap into the support and wisdom that’s out there in the big wired world.

Right now I’m waiting on hearing back from my Fertility Specialist about how soon we can start our next cycle.  I’m hoping that he’s not the kind of doctor that recommends a break in between cycles, and if he is I’m going to argue that we don’t need a break.  Either way we’ll know in the next couple of days what’s going to happen.  I’m really excited about it and feel like I’m in a good frame of mind for it.  I know that it will happen for us, that we will get a family of our own, this is just the journey we need to go on to get it.

Today I had a follow up scan to see how my follicles are developing and what day they can scheduled the egg retrieval.  Turns out that day is Thursday.

I’m so excited.  It seems to be getting a little more real now that we have a date.  I have all my instructions for what to do to prepare for the surgery and what to bring to the hospital on the day.

Tomorrow morning I’ll take my two injections as normal.  Then tomorrow night at 7pm (on the dot) I’ll have my two trigger injections.

Wednesday I have a medication free day. (Which is exciting me no end!)

Thursday morning I turn up to the hospital at 7:30am and I’ll be in theater by 8am.  The whole thing should be done by 10am.

While I’m off having my eggs collected HUBBY will be fulfilling his end of the bargain.

Once the eggs and sperm have been collected they’ll then be put together in the lab and we’ll know within 24 hours how many have fertilized.

Hopefully we’ll have at least one 5 day blastocyst to be able to transfer and that will happen on Tuesday 31 August. If we’re really lucky we’ll have some to put on ice in case this time it doesn’t work or we want to have more kids later on.

Image source: Getty Images

Strangely, I’m feeling really positive about the whole thing.  Physically I’m struggling with being tired, having boobs that hurt and an inability to focus on anything for more than two minutes at a time.  But, other than that I’m all good.

There’s a few little things that are happening at the moment that should this procedure work will make it extra special and I’m taking that to be a good thing.  I’m a big believer in signs… which is crazy because I know that there’s no science behind it.  But I’ll take whatever I can at the moment…

Yesterday I had my first ultrasound and blood test to see how the medications are going at stimulating my ovaries to produce eggs.  I’m still battling with the sinus infection so having to be at the Clinic by 7:30am was not fun.  The whole time I was in there I was trying hard not to breathe, sneeze or cough on any one in case I spread the snotty love.

For the first time since I started having to have tests HUBBY came in with me while they performed the internal ultrasound.  I tried to prepare him as best as possible for what the test would involve, but I don’t think there’s any amount of words that can prepare a husband for seeing his wife impaled on a ultrasound wand.

The nurse performing the test was great.  She gave HUBBY the job of writing down the results so it helped him not focus on how those results were being collated.

Image source: Getty Images

I hadn’t realised just how focused I was on this round of testing.  I feel like there’s a thousand things that can go wrong before we even get to the point where we’re hoping to be pregnant, so this test was like the first hurdle in that race.

I have been reading and participating in a pregnancy forum and I had read about women who’d gone in for the scan and been told that their lining wasn’t at the thickness it needed to be.  Or they weren’t producing follicles.  I was worried that I hadn’t been responding to the drugs; especially given my haphazard approach to taking them on time and my current bout of illness.

But as usual I was worried over nothing.  I ended up getting some good news from the nurse.

My lining is at 10mm.  (Which is a nice thickness apparently?)  The nurse also identified 3 follicles that were 15mm in diameter and 11 follicles that were in range for maturity by egg retrieval day.

This is great news as I was concerned I wouldn’t be responding at all to the drugs.

At this stage I’m tentatively booked in for the egg retrieval on Thursday 26 August.  I have another ultrasound and blood test on Monday (23/8) to see how things are developing.  They changed me over from a nasal spray to another set of injections because of my sinus infection. (There was concern the drugs wouldn’t be working because of the blockage in my sinus.)

All in all it was a great result and I’m relieved that things seem to be moving in the right direction.  It’s given me hope that the rest of the process will run smoothly and we’ll have a positive outcome.  *fingers crossed*

This week has the possibility of being a life changing week in our house.  After five long years of trying to have a baby we’re entering into our first round of IVF.  Not assisted reproduction or IUI, but IVF.  The whole kit and kaboodle.  I’ve started on the first course of medication designed to prepare my body for egg harvesting.  It’s going to be a good five to six week I think before they’ll be in a position to harvest anything and in that time I will have taken at least four different medications.

I’m not really sure what to expect, and to be quite frank it seems all a little surreal at the moment.  There’s still so many hoops to jump through between now and possibly being pregnant that it just seems like a monumental task.  Not to mention the financial impact of having to go through all of this.

I know that thousands of couples do this everyday, all around the world, but I can’t seem to keep it in my head at the moment that we’re going to be going through it.  All the visits to doctors over the past years have really numbed me towards the enormity of it all.  It just seems like a series of appointments and medication taking to me at the moment.  Which I feel in some ways is really sad, and in other ways probably a great way to look at it.

I’m positive that whatever happens we’ll be ok and that we’ll deal positively with what ever comes of it all.  It’s just frustrating to be having to go through all of this.  Although, it is teaching me a level of patience I never thought I would ever need or have.

1. new baby in the family, 2. Baby Blues, 3. Baby Jazz Hands, 4. :: Baby Eyes ::

♥♥♥♥♥

Wanna see more Flickr Faves, or even submit your own, head on over to ArtMind!

It’s been a long time coming, well it feels like it has anyways, but the day I hit double figures on the scale has finally happened!  The fact is it’s only taken 167 days, or five and a half months, which is totally amazing.  Here’s the figures:

I’d love to say that I have watched every calorie and exercised like a person possessed, but that would be a lie as big as the proposed Mining Tax.  I have eaten what I wanted, just in way smaller amounts.  I’ve been more active, but only when I wanted and when my body allowed me to.  I don’t feel like I’ve done anything outstanding, I’ve just lived life with a restriction that’s out of my control.

I went home and saw my folks for the first time since June 2009, when I was at my heaviest, and they were both amazed at the difference.  My Mum and I spent a bit of time discussing whether I’d actually done the work or not.  My Mum has struggled with her weight as well so it was interesting to hear her perspective on my actions.  She holds strong that I’ve done a lot of hard work, but I have to disagree.  I believe that I haven’t had a choice, so it’s out of my control.  If anything I just made one hard decision and then stuck to it.  Once the surgery was done it was out of my control.  I can’t eat the amounts that I used to even if I wanted to.

It’s been really frustrating at times, but the feeling of being 25kgs lighter certainly makes up for that fleeting frustration.  At times I’ve felt really bad for not being able to finish a meal.  My Dad made me some amazing meals while I was visiting and it was close to heart breaking to not be able to finish them.  Not from a food point of view, but I didn’t want him to think that I didn’t like the meal because I didn’t finish it.  I have the same clash of emotions when we eat at restaurants, but it’s more fleeting because I’m not emotionally invested with the chef in that instance.

I have noticed that I don’t like to eat out as much as I used to.  I just see it as a big waste of money because I can’t finish a meal.  It’s changing how I feel about what we cook in our home as well, which has been an interesting side effect.  I’ve started to view every eating opportunity as a once in a lifetime chance.  I can’t eat everything anymore, so I need to make sure what I get is good stuff.

I allowed myself to buy clothes for the first time in six months yesterday.  I had been holding off on buying clothes until I was under 100kg (which I haven’t been since 2003 – that’s 7 years!!!).  It was a weird feeling to be clothes shopping, and somewhat hard to break some long held shopping strategies.  I don’t need to be confined to really loud patterns and bad cuts as much as I had in the past.  In fact I’m starting to move back into the mainstream sizing and styling.  I finally purchased jeans so I can donate the pairs I have now that are slipping off me at every chance they get.

For the first time in many years I felt good about my appearance yesterday.  I felt like I was getting some of the groove I used to have back.  I’m still a big girl, but I’m not as big as I used to be and there’s no excuse any more for me not to dress appropriately, and fashionably.  I actually felt like hitting a pub last night, listening to good music, laughing and dancing the night away.  I haven’t had that feeling in YEARS.

In fact, today I’m heading in to buy some more clothes for work so I can donate the sacks I’ve been living in for the past five months.  Time to get some items that actually fit and I don’t have to worry about holding up whenever I walk anywhere.  I’m nervous about how I’ll go.  I’ve never been a fan of clothes shopping.  I hate those little rooms, their bad lighting and horrid curtains.  My ego is fragile at the best of times but especially now when I’m starting to think that things are going well.  I’d hate to get in there and find that I’m still having to wear clothing that still starts with a 2.

I need to just focus on what’s coming up, instead of what’s behind.  We have an appointment this month to start on IVF again.  Something that has been lingering over our heads for awhile.  I’m now lighter than I was when we first started the IVF process back in 2005.  I hope it makes a difference, but I’m not confident.  Since the D&C in December I’ve only had one period.  It makes a nice change from the bleeding straight for six months, but it’s not filling me with confidence that my body knows what it’s supposed to be doing. Either way we’ll know soon enough whether we’ll be starting our own family.

So, here it is a week after my 33rd birthday and I’m now in double figures.  I guess that’s one of the best birthday presents a girl could ask for.

1. Roller Derby – Skate of Emergency, 2. Baby Kylee’s Bathtime, 3. two little owls!, 4. MOVIES TIME :D

I’m running a little late this week with my Flickr Faves, and I’m sure it won’t be the last time.  I’ve had a busy week with lots of new adventures.

On Saturday I went to my first ever Brown Owls meeting.  Much fun was had and I feel like I’ve got a brand new chapter happening and that’s exciting.  I backed it up with my first ever Roller Derby social skate on the Sunday.  Freshmeat doesn’t start until mid March, but already the new recruits are hyped.  It was a great day out in the sun.

On Monday night we went to the movies with COUSIN and LEE LEE.  We also ran into M and R while we were getting some pre-dinner food.  It was awesome.  We went and saw The Blind Side. It was spectacular.  It’s the first movie I’ve seen in a long time that had a positive vibe to it.  There was a happy marriage and family at the centre of it and the message of the movie was one of hope.  It was awesome.  I left the cinema on such a high and feeling like we can all make positive changes in our lives, and the lives of those around us.  I was also grateful to see a positive marriage portrayed.  I feel sometimes like the world just gives us all negative messages about marriages; that they’re all doomed to fail.  Sandra Bullock rocked in her role and deserves her Oscar nomination.  Tim McGraw was also a great surprise.  I can’t talk highly enough of this movie, if you can afford the movies – go see it!

We also got some wonderful news; my sister-in-law is pregnant!  It’s such great news.  It’ll be the second grandchild and it’s going to be loved like nothing else.  It may also have another cousin some time soon.  We got some great news from my Gynocologist.  We are able to start on IVF.  I’ve been scheduled for an examination on my tubes to see how much damage was done from the surgeries I’ve had.  Once that’s known we can start.  It’s going to be awesome.  For the first time in five years I feel like we may just, finally, get that family we’ve always wanted.

All in all a pretty outstanding week.

Yep, you’re reading that correctly.  It’s a loss of over 20kg.  Can I notice any difference?  Sometimes, but it’s hard to tell as I just seem to be me.  I’m sure once I get back into double digits it’ll start to sink in, but at the moment it seems a little hard to equate.

Anyways, enough about the boring stuff on to the exciting stuff; ROLLER DERBY!

I was really nervous about the social skate as I didn’t know anyone that was going.  Despite my desperate pleas to HUBBY to come with me as my support crew he refused and sent me on my own.  I did take my good luck charm; a string voodoo doll keychain that Alivicwil gave me for my birthday.  And he did bring me luck – I didn’t fall down! Yay!

I did manage to remember how to do a cross over skate on the corners which I was really happy about.  It’s a little weird to do while wearing knee pads, but I’ll get used to it.  It was also bloody hot being out there in the middle of the day skating on a black concrete basketball court covered in all the protective gear.  But I had a blast.  It’s given me the little boost I needed to get some more practice in before Freshmeat starts in March.

I did get some disappointing news while there, my name is already taken by someone in America.  It sucks, so I’ve had to put my thinking cap on and try and come up with another derby name.  Lucky I’ve got five months before it becomes important!

I had a blast and a laugh.  I cant’ wait for the season to start.

I was struck by the thought on the way home that had I not had the operation in December I probably wouldn’t be in a position to play this sport.  It’s still going to be hard going carrying the amount of weight I am at the moment, but it won’t be as hard as it would have been 20kg’s ago.  It made me get all misty eyed.  It’s like a new person is coming out from behind the blubber.  I’m getting back to the person I’ve wanted to be for so long and that’s scary and exciting.

No real surprise there. I thought this week would be a little heavier due to the amount of crap food I’ve eaten.  (Admittedly not my ‘normal’ amount, but still it’s not been great.)

• Food – Well there’s no shock here.  With the move into the realm of real food I gave into the cravings and curiosity.  I don’t know why but I had been fascinated with the thought of how much of the fast food I would now be able to eat.  So I set about seeing for myself.  I wasn’t surprised as such, but I was really grateful to not be able to eat as much as I used to.  It was the same experience as with the Fish and Chips.  It felt so good to be able to walk away from the meal having only eaten a small portion.  I still felt sick afterwards, but it was worth it.  I can’t say I’ll be rushing out to repeat the process.  I am glad I did it though.  I’ll be able to reflect on how much like roadkill I felt after eating it that I won’t want it again.  I had a mini revelation yesterday while trying not to throw up the Hungry Jacks.  I seem to be most frustrated with not being able to eat what I used to after not eating for a long period of time.  I can’t say I’m as hungry as I used to be, but it seems that if I go a long period without eating when I do it it’s like it awakens something and I want to eat it ALL.  I feel good to have made the connection because now it means I can be more vigilant about eating regularly and saving myself the frustration and bad food choices.  I have to admit that I’ve been a little daunted by the thought of cooking.  It seems like such a waste to make a normal meal, but at the same time I really don’t want to be living off easy and quick (eg. bad) choices.  I need to find a balance.  I think that will be my mini food goal for this week – find a balance and variety in my meals.
• Exercise – Nonexistent.  I’m blaming the heat and some really late nights.  It’s been so hot here the last week that just the thought of moving has exhausted me.  It’s meant that I’ve avoided the treadmill.  But today with the cooler change I embraced the moment and cleared out the crap that has started to crowd in my workout room and got ready for a session on the treadmill.  I didn’t do it, I ended up cleaning the spare room, but the day’s not over yet!  I signed up to play Roller Derby this year and ordered my skates and protective gear.  I’m hoping all my gear will be here by Wednesday so I can start practicing my quad skating and getting out and about with some other Derby players.  I really want to get into a lifestyle that includes some social sport.  Baby steps.

My appointment with the surgeon went really well.  We talked about the process and I made some suggestions about ways they could be supporting sleeve patients.  I also talked about my experience with the nursing staff at the hospital and he’s asked that I put it in writing and send it in to the hospital.  He gave me the all clear to play sports and told me that this was it.  My stomach will be healed and this is my new life.  He was happy with my weight loss so far and advised me that I should see the loss start to slow down at 30 BMI.  Which for me is 90 kilograms, so that’s pretty cool.  There was nothing that I wasn’t expecting, so all in all a pretty good visit.

For the first year I need to have quarterly visits and then six monthly in the second year and then yearly from then on.  Apparently they like to run blood tests, etc. to make sure that you’re not malnourished.  I made my next appointment for April, just before I go home for holidays.  The surgeon thinks I will have lost 30 kilograms by the time I head home.  I can’t even begin to imagine what they will be like.  Needless to say, I’m very excited by the thought of it!

My fluid intake still leaves something to be desired, but I’m heading out on my lunch breaks and picking up a juice so that’s made a difference.  The first few days at work I wasn’t feeling so crash hot so I didn’t really eat that much while I was at work.  But Thursday seemed to see a change in the way my body was reacting to food so I started eating more solid food at work.  It’s not been as bad as I thought it would be.  I’m lucky that I’ve got an hour to let the food settle. 

I’ve been keeping a food journal, thanks to my nifty new moleskine diary.  I’ve also decided (for now) to publish my food journal.  I can’t shake the feeling that it might help someone out there understand what happens and what they can expect when it comes to eating post surgery.  It paints an interesting picture.  I wonder if I should be more vigilant and record fluid intake and the time when I eat.  For now I’m just going to concentrate on keeping the record as I’ve not had a good history of recording my intake in the past.

I have been feeling a little off colour this week so I’ve spent every night (except for our dinner party excursion on Wednesday night) going to bed straight after work.  I’ve not been exercising and I’ve been sleeping in till I absolutely have to get out of bed, so my plans for being super organised and active woman have fallen through the cracks this week.  But I can, and will, change that.

On Saturday afternoon I’m planning on going ice-skating with Alivicwil so that should be a nice little bit of fun exercise for the day.  I’ll also get back on the treadmill on the weekend and start that routine again.  It’s about small steps.

I did some things differently this week:

• Exercise – I managed to get three thirty minute bouts on the treadmill done.  I really enjoyed it.  I would have done more but my socializing got in the way.  Curses to New Years!  I’m still a little disappointed that I managed to put on weight despite the increase in exercise, but I am still holding to the fact that it has more to do with other changes that could be taking place.  Oh the joys of being a woman!
• Food – This week I was supposed to move on to puree foods.  I seem to have skipped puree and moved straight on to soft real food.  I have had a few meals this week that were meals and not baby food.  I made egg salad and had some of that with mashed potato.  I had a small chicken wing, salad and cheesecake on New Years Eve.  I ate cheezels and doritos! I had some San Choy Bow and steamed plain noodles on January first.  I also had more cheesecake and bits of Cadbury Flake.  Yesterday I made some tomato soup based mince and pasta and it was yummy.  I’m still struggling with anything dairy and have come to the conclusion that I’ve become lactose intolerant post operation.  It sucks because I really miss milk, but even more so I miss ice-cream!  I’m still drinking a lot of cordial but it’s the only fluid vice I have now milk and soda are off the table.   I’m still struggling with portion control.  I find it really really hard to leave food on my plate; it’s like a compulsion to finish it.

Overall I’m pretty happy with how things are going.  I’m still battling the frustration that accompanies a meal and I have to learn to not take such big mouthfuls of fluid.  (It hurts on the way down!)  I’m a little disappointed that I haven’t lost twenty kilos by the time I return to work, but I knew that would have been a tad ridiculous.  I’m really happy that my measurements are falling, it’s another reason why I’m pretty sure the weight gain this week has been fluid retention.

I’m also really happy with the treadmill and spending time on it.  I was rather ill yesterday so I spent the day in bed and I missed my thirty minutes on the treadmill.  I find it’s a good way to just chill out for awhile and listen to music and daydream.  I’m a big fan of the daydream.

Tomorrow I return to work after nearly three months off due to illness.  I’m a little apprehensive about how I’ll manage my food intake.  I still haven’t quite worked out how to have a meal without feeling queasy afterward and I’m worried about the impact of that on my working day.  But I’m excited to be getting back out into the real world.

I spoke with my old hospital bunk buddy Jo today.  It was great to speak to her and hear how she’s doing.  She’s still on fluids because of a pre-existing condition she has, but she’s looking forward to eating solids.  We talked a lot about what our experiences have been and what we’re looking forward to and how our lives have changed.  I’m so grateful that I made a friend while in hospital, it’s great to know that she’s going through a similar thing. We’ve agreed to meet up for a meal (ha!) in a couple of weeks time after Jo has seen the specialist.  Should be a fun outing.

I met someone on NYE who had a sleeve done FIFTEEN years ago!  The operation was completely different back then, but she’s managed to lose (and keep off) forty-five kilos.  She looks great.  However she did talk a lot about life with a sleeve and it seems to involve a lot of vomiting and lusting after food.  She talked about her limitations (no rice, no meat and vomiting) and how her body feels post surgery.  It was good to talk to someone who’s been through it, even if the surgery was completely different.

All in all it’s been a pretty good week.  I managed to celebrate NYE without feeling like I was missing out, I caught up with a friend and I’ve managed to sleep in everyday this week.  I’m excited about what next week will bring and I’m hoping that it brings some more weight loss with it.  (I can’t help being worried about having had the surgery done and then still having my poor eating habits ruin it!)