It’s been a long time coming, well it feels like it has anyways, but the day I hit double figures on the scale has finally happened!  The fact is it’s only taken 167 days, or five and a half months, which is totally amazing.  Here’s the figures:

Area	Start	Now	Difference
Weight	125.2kg	99.4kg	-25.8kg
Waist	132cm	114.5cm	-17.5cm
Thigh	76cm	61.5cm	-14.5cm
Hips	133cm	117.5cm	-15.5cm
Chest	136cm	119cm	-17cm

I’d love to say that I have watched every calorie and exercised like a person possessed, but that would be a lie as big as the proposed Mining Tax.  I have eaten what I wanted, just in way smaller amounts.  I’ve been more active, but only when I wanted and when my body allowed me to.  I don’t feel like I’ve done anything outstanding, I’ve just lived life with a restriction that’s out of my control.

I went home and saw my folks for the first time since June 2009, when I was at my heaviest, and they were both amazed at the difference.  My Mum and I spent a bit of time discussing whether I’d actually done the work or not.  My Mum has struggled with her weight as well so it was interesting to hear her perspective on my actions.  She holds strong that I’ve done a lot of hard work, but I have to disagree.  I believe that I haven’t had a choice, so it’s out of my control.  If anything I just made one hard decision and then stuck to it.  Once the surgery was done it was out of my control.  I can’t eat the amounts that I used to even if I wanted to.

It’s been really frustrating at times, but the feeling of being 25kgs lighter certainly makes up for that fleeting frustration.  At times I’ve felt really bad for not being able to finish a meal.  My Dad made me some amazing meals while I was visiting and it was close to heart breaking to not be able to finish them.  Not from a food point of view, but I didn’t want him to think that I didn’t like the meal because I didn’t finish it.  I have the same clash of emotions when we eat at restaurants, but it’s more fleeting because I’m not emotionally invested with the chef in that instance.

I have noticed that I don’t like to eat out as much as I used to.  I just see it as a big waste of money because I can’t finish a meal.  It’s changing how I feel about what we cook in our home as well, which has been an interesting side effect.  I’ve started to view every eating opportunity as a once in a lifetime chance.  I can’t eat everything anymore, so I need to make sure what I get is good stuff.

I allowed myself to buy clothes for the first time in six months yesterday.  I had been holding off on buying clothes until I was under 100kg (which I haven’t been since 2003 – that’s 7 years!!!).  It was a weird feeling to be clothes shopping, and somewhat hard to break some long held shopping strategies.  I don’t need to be confined to really loud patterns and bad cuts as much as I had in the past.  In fact I’m starting to move back into the mainstream sizing and styling.  I finally purchased jeans so I can donate the pairs I have now that are slipping off me at every chance they get.

For the first time in many years I felt good about my appearance yesterday.  I felt like I was getting some of the groove I used to have back.  I’m still a big girl, but I’m not as big as I used to be and there’s no excuse any more for me not to dress appropriately, and fashionably.  I actually felt like hitting a pub last night, listening to good music, laughing and dancing the night away.  I haven’t had that feeling in YEARS.

In fact, today I’m heading in to buy some more clothes for work so I can donate the sacks I’ve been living in for the past five months.  Time to get some items that actually fit and I don’t have to worry about holding up whenever I walk anywhere.  I’m nervous about how I’ll go.  I’ve never been a fan of clothes shopping.  I hate those little rooms, their bad lighting and horrid curtains.  My ego is fragile at the best of times but especially now when I’m starting to think that things are going well.  I’d hate to get in there and find that I’m still having to wear clothing that still starts with a 2.

I need to just focus on what’s coming up, instead of what’s behind.  We have an appointment this month to start on IVF again.  Something that has been lingering over our heads for awhile.  I’m now lighter than I was when we first started the IVF process back in 2005.  I hope it makes a difference, but I’m not confident.  Since the D&C in December I’ve only had one period.  It makes a nice change from the bleeding straight for six months, but it’s not filling me with confidence that my body knows what it’s supposed to be doing. Either way we’ll know soon enough whether we’ll be starting our own family.

So, here it is a week after my 33rd birthday and I’m now in double figures.  I guess that’s one of the best birthday presents a girl could ask for.

1. Roller Derby – Skate of Emergency, 2. Baby Kylee’s Bathtime, 3. two little owls!, 4. MOVIES TIME :D

I’m running a little late this week with my Flickr Faves, and I’m sure it won’t be the last time.  I’ve had a busy week with lots of new adventures.

On Saturday I went to my first ever Brown Owls meeting.  Much fun was had and I feel like I’ve got a brand new chapter happening and that’s exciting.  I backed it up with my first ever Roller Derby social skate on the Sunday.  Freshmeat doesn’t start until mid March, but already the new recruits are hyped.  It was a great day out in the sun.

On Monday night we went to the movies with COUSIN and LEE LEE.  We also ran into M and R while we were getting some pre-dinner food.  It was awesome.  We went and saw The Blind Side. It was spectacular.  It’s the first movie I’ve seen in a long time that had a positive vibe to it.  There was a happy marriage and family at the centre of it and the message of the movie was one of hope.  It was awesome.  I left the cinema on such a high and feeling like we can all make positive changes in our lives, and the lives of those around us.  I was also grateful to see a positive marriage portrayed.  I feel sometimes like the world just gives us all negative messages about marriages; that they’re all doomed to fail.  Sandra Bullock rocked in her role and deserves her Oscar nomination.  Tim McGraw was also a great surprise.  I can’t talk highly enough of this movie, if you can afford the movies – go see it!

We also got some wonderful news; my sister-in-law is pregnant!  It’s such great news.  It’ll be the second grandchild and it’s going to be loved like nothing else.  It may also have another cousin some time soon.  We got some great news from my Gynocologist.  We are able to start on IVF.  I’ve been scheduled for an examination on my tubes to see how much damage was done from the surgeries I’ve had.  Once that’s known we can start.  It’s going to be awesome.  For the first time in five years I feel like we may just, finally, get that family we’ve always wanted.

All in all a pretty outstanding week.

I met with the pre-admissions nurse today at Calvary.  It was an interesting appointment.  We talked about the treatment of Indigenous patients.  We talked about outlook.  We talked about nearly everything other than what I was there for.

She ran a group of tests, including an ECG which came back perfect.  Yay!  My blood pressure was even good, which is great.  Hopefully once I lose some more weight I’ll be able to kick the blood pressure medication.  According to the scales today I’ve lost just under six kilos.  A nice little bonus.  I need to go for one big bang before I head into surgery on Monday.  See if I can lose eight kilos altogether.

I’ve spent most of today in bed asleep.  I’ve been so tired after yesterday.  I feel like I’m running a little bit of a temperature at the moment, but that could be because I’ve been sleeping in air-conditioning.  I hope it’s not me getting a cold.

Today while the nurse was running tests and we were talking about everything she kept commenting on how positive my outlook is and how I was funny despite all that was going on.  The nurses at yesterday’s surgery were the same.  (When they put the gas mask on me to go to sleep I told the nurse I expected to have BOTH my eyebrows when I came too.  She laughed and called me crazy.)  I don’t understand it.  I think I might be genetically broken, but I don’t see any other way to be.

What am I going to do?  Go in there like I’ve lost my best friend, my dogs died, my husbands left me and they’re foreclosing on my house?  It’s just surgery.  Surgery that’s going to hopefully give me the family I want and the life I need.  It’s elective surgery.  Yeah, so I’ve had a rather impressive cyst removed in April.  Yeah, so I was in surgery yesterday for something that looked like it’s turned my uterus to cottage cheese.  Yeah, I’ve had the last two months off in serious pain and blood loss.  Who cares.  There’s kids out there that will never get to experience a life because they’re dying before they even got a chance to live.  There’s people out there that are slowly forgetting who they are due to Alzheimer’s and they’re only in their fifties.  There’s Mothers and Fathers dying in front of their kids because of cancer.  There’s lovers, brothers and sisters dying from HIV/AIDS.  Shit, all I’ve got is an addiction.  It’s nothing.  I should be in there yucking it up.

These are the cards I’ve been dealt.  It’s not the end of the world, it’s not exactly the way any of us for wish for things to happen, but in the scheme of things I feel really lucky.  I have a Husband whom I love and adore and who treats me like I’m something special.  I’ve got a family that loves me and keeps me grounded.  I’ve got friends that put up with my mental breakdowns and strange disappearances.  I’ve got a job that’s keeping my spot open for me to return to.  I don’t know what in the world I would have to complain about.

I like to laugh. I love to make other people laugh.  Strangely enough, when I’m really scared I’m at my funniest.  It’s just how I cope.  It’s rare for me to cry over something.  I think the only time I’ve cried in a procedure was when I had my internal x-ray of my uterus and fallopian tubes.  And lets face it, who wouldn’t cry when they’ve got their legs akimbo and four people all crowded around looking at your bits and saying “That doesn’t look right”.  I had a little bit of a moment during that procedure, but I think it was due me.

So, the long and the short of it.  Be prepared for much laughter and bad taste jokes on Monday morning.  I’m going into this the way I want to approach everything in life; looking for the positives and for the laughs.  What other way is there to be in life?

PS.  For those of you interested, and I know I’m a bit of a freak for looking at medical pictures so I’m sure there’s at least one of you out there.  Here’s the photo they gave me to remember my trip to day surgery yesterday.

This is what a healthy uterine lining should look like.  Those two black dots are the opening for the fallopian tubes.

According to the notes that accompanied this lovely keepsake:

Your Procedure:

Hysteroscopy, polypectomy

Findings at the procedure:

Extensive, diffuse polypoid

Change in the lining of the uterus.  Await pathologist report.

I don’t really know what all this means.  I have a follow up appointment to book with him and I guess I just await the pathology report and hope for the best.  I’m not really feeling the love from my girlie bits these days.  Guess they’re just getting me back for all the hating I did on them in my teenage years.  Seems only fair.

PPS.  Aren’t you glad I hooked up my scanner *wink*

I knew nothing about this book when I picked it up.  I didn’t even bother to read the blurb on the back of the book I just dived in with trepidation and a hopeful spirit.  What I got was nothing like what I was expecting.  I was submerged into a tale that truly resonated with me; so much so that at times it felt like kismet that I should be reading this book at this point in my life.

The story centers on Mary Gooch.  Mary is a wife, a pharmacy clerk, a daughter, a sister-in-law, a daughter-in-law all in the body of a 302 pound woman.  Mary lives in Leaford, Canada; a small town where there are no secrets and everybody is watching everyone else.  Mary has grown up in Leaford, fallen in love in Leaford and eaten her way through millions of calories in Leaford.

Lori Lansens tells this tale with a poetic and masterful voice.  Her language is rhythmic and captivating.  The story is brought to life through the strong voice that Lansens empowers Mary with.  While Mary is unable to give voice to her thoughts in her daily life, her internal dialogue is potent and compels this story.

Mary is thrust into leaving her predictable and repetitive life when her Husband, Jimmy Gooch, fails to come how from work on the eve of their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.  This one act of her Husband triggers a reassessment of all the moments in Mary’s life that have lead to this point in time.

Mary remembered, when she was nine years old, stepping off the scale in Dr. Ruttle’s office and hearing him whisper the word to her slight mother, Irma.  It was an unfamiliar word, but one she understood in context of the fairy-tale world.  Obeast.  There were witches and warlocks.  So must there be ogres and obeasts.  Little Big Mary wasn’t confused by the diagnosis.  It made sense to her child’s mind that her body had become an outward manifestation of the starving animal in her gut.

– The Wife’s Tale; page 2.

It’s the battle between Mary and her Obeast that really speaks in this novel.  It casts a light on an epidemic that is killing the Western World in a way that is fresh and raw.  Addiction to food is as real as any other addiction; gambling, drinking, drugs – it’s all the same mental battle.  The voice in the head that compels a person to make the decisions they do.  Mary’s voice has 43 years of experience at pushing her buttons.  It is the love of her Husband, or more importantly the fear of abandonment that she sometimes confuses as love, that gives Mary the impetus she needs to ignore that voice for the first time in her life.

This novel is a coming of age tale; despite the fact that Mary is 43 years old and should know what she wants from life by now.  Mary has hidden in her world.  Shut herself off from the judging gaze of those in her community.  Her weight has coloured everything; every experience, emotion or event.  In her hiding she has given all her power to her Obeast.  Every time she ventures into public her low self opinion is reinforced by the actions of others and in turn the Obeast grows stronger.

When her Husband leaves to ‘find himself’ Mary embarks on a single-minded journey to find him.  Instead what she finds is the power to overcome her fear of living and ventures outside of Leaford for the first time in her life.  Her hunt for her Husband takes Mary to Los Angeles and the home of her Mother-In-Law.

It seems no coincidence that Lansens has brought small town overweight Mary to Los Angeles, where body image reins supreme.  However the experiences that Mary has while in Los Angeles are in no way predictable nor does the end of the book resolve all of them.  It would have been so easy for the Lansens to paint a standard generic view of the beautiful people in Los Angeles, but she skilfully avoids this pothole.

At times the inability of Mary to take control of her life is frustrating and agonizing.  Her lack of confidence in her basic decision making is paralysing and has resulted in her relying on her Husband to do a lot of things she now needs to do to survive.  With her Husband gone, and no return in sight, she must learn to stand on her own two feet.  This struggle for independence is not only a mental one, but it is mimicked in her physicality as well as she is at times unable to support her own weight.

The relationships that Mary develops while in Los Angeles are unpredictable, moving and heart warming.  Lansens shows a side of humanity that is often overlooked in this age of instant gratification and individuality.  It’s through these relationships that she starts to learn how to believe in herself and her abilities.

This book finished leaving me wanting more.  The book, while it ends does not end with everything resolved; which is rare in this age of a thirty-minute wrap up of all of life’s problems.  Lansens has created a great novel that should resonate with a multitude of those suffering under the weight of an eating disorder.  I am one of these people and for the first time I feel like some of the things that I have experienced in my life have been given a voice in print that is not judgmental nor compassionate; it just tells it like it is and it doesn’t offer the magic solution to the problem.  It’s just one woman’s story beautifully and expertly told.

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I realise this seems a little out of place, but a week or so ago I was given a gig with Dymocks Wynyard to review books for them.  Best.gig.ever!  Anyway, I was asked to review The Wife’s Tale by Lori Lansens.  I didn’t even bother looking her or the book up – I just took a chance and said “Sure thing!”.  So they sent the book to me.  I was stunned to find that this story was so close to some of the issues I’m facing now.  How to beat addiction to food.  The book doesn’t provide the key to beating the addiction – so don’t turn to it looking for answers.  Instead look to it for comradery in the tale.  For someone giving a voice to some of the feelings I’m sure we’ve all battled.  I really enjoyed this book.

The style of story telling actually reminded me a little of “The Memory Keeper’s Daughter” which ironically I didn’t particularly enjoy.  I found myself at times re-reading parts just for the lyrical nature of the prose.  It’s a great book.  I recommend it to anyone looking for some great fiction with a twist of the real.

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Had my gyno surgery today and all went well.  I bounced back really well from the anesthetic and I was even paid a visit by the anesthesiologist that will be doing the operation on Monday.  They did find somethings they weren’t expecting so now I have to wait on pathology to see whether they’re nasty or not.

I’ve had a pretty emotional day today.  Lots of highs and lows.  I also haven’t had any Optifast and ate egg sandwiches both at the hospital and at home.  (I couldn’t be discharged if I didn’t eat something and they were so good I wanted another on the way home!)  I’m back on the Optfast strictly for the next four days. I’m hoping I haven’t ruined my chances of getting the surgery done because of my liver, but I’m sort of confident that it’ll be ok in the end.

I’m tired.  I have my pre-surgery appointment tomorrow with the hospital nurse.  Should be interesting.  It’ll be a complete work up and medical history to make sure I’m ok for the procedure on Monday.  It’s all suddenly getting very real.

Today I had my meeting with the Dietitian.  I had met her before in her private practice and knew that she was really lovely and supportive, and she didn’t disappoint today.  We talked about my health and my current eating habits.  The things that act as triggers and how I plan to handle the changes that the sleeve will bring.

I knew prior to the appointment that I would be doing a two week detox on Optifast so that my liver is in a manageable position for the operation.  So that didn’t come as such a surprise or shock.  The four to eight weeks after the surgery however look like they could be hard work, but I’m positive the fear of having to have surgery again will keep me motivated.

It’s hard at the moment to be focused on all the information I’ve been receiving.  I’m tired and really cranky today.  My frustration levels at the whole process are elevated.  I’ve had to deal with my gynecologists office and they never seem to put me in a good mood.  It’s so hard to find good service.  Canberra Bariatric have been brilliant.  The surgeon sat with us and spoke at length about what was happening.  He patiently answered all of our questions.  I didn’t feel rushed or like I was being steamrolled.  The dietitian was exactly the same. Really helpful, listened and gave advice.  Didn’t try and push any agendas.  It was brilliant.  Then I go to the gynecologists office and it’s the complete opposite.

They don’t have any of my hospital paperwork.  I can’t see the gynecologist prior to the surgery.  He’s not spent any time with me going through the possible complications or any further side affects of the surgery.  Just made me fill in the day surgery admittance forms and give them money.  It’s so frustrating, it’s not like I’m putting my car in for a service.  This is my health and my life we’re dealing with.

I very rarely get upset with people, but today I told the receptionist that the level of service I was experiencing from this practice was “giving me the shits”.  She didn’t do anything, no apology, nothing; just went on to tell me how her husbands been in a work accident and is going to have to have major surgery.  If she was trying to guilt me in to shutting up it worked.  I’m such a pussy.  I see other people rant and rave and get rewarded with the things they want just so they’ll shut up.  But I go in there nice as pie trying to be respectful of everyone and not cause any ripples and I seem to get screwed over.

I don’t think it’s acceptable to have not had a follow up appointment with the gynecologist after he removed a massive cyst.  In fact, if I am being perfectly frank about it, I think it’s bullshit.  Surely, there’s some rules about having follow up with a patient after surgery.   You don’t just smack them on the bum and send them on their way in the world never knowing exactly what happened.  I want to sit down with him and have him walk me through the operation, step by bloody step.  It didn’t go the way he said it would prior to the surgery, so I’d like to know how it did go.  I’d also like confirmation, formally, of exactly what the hell he did remove.  Did he take both fallopian tubes, or just one tube.  Did he see anything else?  Will there be issues with scar tissue on any of the remaining organs?  I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.  Or maybe it is?  I’ve never had surgery before, so maybe this is the done thing and I’m just being a little drama queen.  I don’t know…

It makes me really mad when I think about it.  In fact, I’m getting a little teary thinking about it now.  It’s my body dammit.  I’m not going to let the same thing happen again.  I’m going to make an appointment with the gynecologists office and demand that I get face time with him and he goes through exactly what he did in both procedures.  That he informs me of exactly what the impacts and ramifications will be.  And then, when it’s all said and done I’m changing specialists.  I don’t care if they say he’s the best in Canberra, he might be technically very good but his follow up sucks and it’s not helping me to heal and move on.  And if it’s one thing I’ve learnt, life is too damn short to put up with unhappiness.

But, back to the eating plan. The dietitian provided a high level overview of what the eating will be like with the Gastric Sleeve.  Here’s what it looks like:

Food & Eating Time Line with Gastric Sleeve

Before Surgery

A Very Low Calorie Diet regimen is strongly recommended to make the surgery easier by reducing the size of your liver.

• For at least 2 to 4 weeks before surgery
• Eg. Optifast® regimen
• A specially formulated Very Low Calorie Diet (VLCD), which includes meal replacement drinks

In Hospital

The following eating stages are important to ensure safety and healing after gastric surgery:

• You will not be allowed to eat or drink on the morning of your surgery.
• You may be asked to stay on a clear fluid diet for a few days while in hospital.  Clear fluids are drinks that you can technically ‘see through’.  Examples include water, black tea and coffee, apple juice, consomme and cordials.
• You should move on to Nutritious fluids before discharge from hospital.

At Home

Fluids

• For 2+ weeks after surgery
• Nutritious fluids
• Keep fluids thin during the first few days – a consistency that you can take through a straw.

Blend/Puree

• For approximately 2 weeks after fluid stage
• Blended or pureed food at the consistency of baby food
• Food with lumps or highly fibrous must no be eaten during this phase.

Soft to Regular

• 4 to 6 weeks after surgery
• Progression to food of normal consistency usually happens at 6 to 8 weeks after surgery.

Please note that the above texture-modified stages are a guide.  Progression through the phases varies from one person to the next.  Keep textures smooth and thin if you experience tightness on ingestion.  You may upgrade the thickness gradually if you get a sense of hunger and thin textures are ‘going down’ comfortably.

Into the Future

Once you have progressed to eating food of normal consistency, it is important to find a healthy eating plan that works with your surgery to help achieve your weight loss goals.

Your dietitian can guide you in the most suitable eating plan for you.

Source: Canberra Bariatric; Mari Eronen; Dietitian; July 2007

I start the Optifast on the 30 November 2009, the before surgery part of the time line.  Here’s the information from Canberra Bariatric on what I need to do:

Optifast® Regimen for Weight Loss before Surgery

The Optifast® regimen is important for the purposes of making surgery easier.  It is a Very Low Calorie Diet (VLCD) that includes:

• 3 Optifast® meal replacements daily:
  • You can choose any product: Optifast® shake, soup, food bar, mousse – or a ‘mix and match’ of these
  • To vary the flavor and taste, try adding instant coffee powder, low joule toppings or food essences (with no sugar) to the shakes; and non-starchy vegetables/herbs/spices to the soups.
• At least 2 liters of fluids each day
  • Water
  • Black tea, herbal tea
  • Mineral water (plain, or low joule flavored)
  • Low joule cordial
  • Diet soft drink (in limited amounts)

Avoid: alcohol and limit high caffeine drinks

Sometimes you may wish to have some low calorie jelly with or between meals.

• Non-starchy vegetables (limit to 2 cups per day)
  • Asparagus
  • Beans (string)
  • Bok choy
  • Broccoli
  • Brussel Sprouts
  • Celery
  • Cabbage
  • Capsicum
  • Cauliflower
  • Cucumber
  • Eggplant
  • Lettuce
  • Mushrooms (fresh)
  • Onion
  • Spinach
  • Squash
  • Tomato
  • Watercress
  • Zucchini

Avoid: carrots, corn, potato, pumpkin, lima beans and green peas.

To maintain variety, rotate the types of non-starchy vegetables you include.  Try different ways of preparing them.  Have them raw, as salad or eat them steamed or cooked in the microwave.  You may add ingredients such as herbs, spices, vinegar or lemon juice for flavour.  Try not to use any condiments or sauces that contain calories.

Fibre

The Optifast® regimen may affect your usual bowel patterns.  If you experience constipation, make sure you drink enough fluid and include a variety of vegetables as listed above.  You may wish to consider a fibre supplement:

• Benefiber® can be mixed into your Optifast® drink
• Metamucil® or Fybogel® in a glass of water
• Psyllium husks blended into Optifast® with additional 100ml water

Fresh Breath

It is natural to experience ‘bad breath’ on Optifast® or on any VLCD.  Ways to freshen breath include chewing on parsley, a low calorie mint or sugar free gum.  Note that artificially sweetened confectionery still contain calories, so try not to have too many.

Source: Canberra Bariatric; Mari Eronen – Adapted from Novartis Product Leaflet – October 2009

So, are you jealous yet? I know I would be if I was you!  It’s going to be an interesting time.  HUBBY is talking about doing the plan with me as well so there’s no additional temptation in the house.  I admire him, and love him for the thought, but I think he should stick to the real food.  Two cranky fatties in one house might be one too many.

The dietitian and I spoke about the lack of information on the internet about eating with a gastric sleeve.  A lot of the information comes from the US.  Our surgical procedure and after surgery care varies then the US, so while the information is still valuable it’s not really reflective of what Australian patients can expect.  I told her I was blogging about my experience and that I’d be happy to journal the foods I’m eating and my body’s reactions to things.  I think it fits with part of the reason I decided to blog about whats going on.  There’s little information out there for Australian patients and if some of what I’m going through can help someone else, than I’d like to do what I can.  It’s hard to not feel isolated when you make such a big decision like this, and really in this day and age we shouldn’t feel like that.  Information and support is only a click away.

HUBBY and I have floated the idea of having a feast on the 28 November 2009 to farewell my old lifestyle and welcome in the new one.  I’m trying to imagine what would be on the menu for such a feast.  I’m also trying to think whether there’s any restaurants that I’d like to binge at one last time and my mind is coming up blank.  I’m sure in the throes of hunger pains I’ll be able to rattle of a massive list of all the foods I wish I’d eaten before embarking on this adventure, but right now I just feel like a nap.  In fact, I think I might just go and take one.  I had a horrible nights sleep last night.  I dreamt of Penny Wong for some reason… go figure.  I imagine that in my future there will be dreams the likes of Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, can’t wait for those!  Just call me Augustus Gloop!

Starting something is always hard. Coming up with the ideas, that’s the easy part. Putting it into action and then sticking with it, not so easy. I’d like to boldly claim that today is the first day of my new life and then prattle on about all the wonderful changes I’m going to make to my life. But the first day of my life happened in an outback hospital in 1977.

Today is just a day.  Not a particularly great day, but a day in my life.  A day I’m very thankful to be alive to experience.  There is one difference to today however, today marks the first day I document my personal journey with a demon I’ve been battling for two thirds of my life.

I’m currently at the heaviest I have ever been.  I’m tipping the scales at 123kg which combined with my height gives me a body mass index (BMI) of 42.  This means that medically I’m morbidly obese.  I used to think the only thing morbid about me was my sense of humour.

Five years ago I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  I had no idea at the time what it would mean for my life.  Truth be told I still don’t.  I’m supposed to eat low GI and exercise an hour a day if I want to maintain.  If I want to lose weight I have to live on air and never stop moving.  Needless to say I’ve not been a very good example of living with PCOS.

Since my diagnosis I’ve managed to put on 20kg, get married and have my first surgery.  It’s been a big five years.

I found out I have PCOS while my Husband and I were trying to conceive a child and nothing was happening.  A simple internal ultrasound revealed what had always been beneath the surface.  It was like opening Pandora’s box – no pun intended.

Since that initial diagnosis I’ve seen multiple doctors, been for numerous medical tests, cried millions of tears and shared a few inappropriate laughs.  I have finally found a GP that I trust, but I’m still looking for a fertility and gynecological specialist.  I’ve been told a hundred times to just eat healthy and exercise and it will all be better.

For whatever reasons that hasn’t happened and my health is spiraling out of control.  I had a massive cyst (weighed 2.5kg and was the size of a rugby ball) removed from one of my fallopian tubes in April 2009.  During the operation they removed the fallopian tube and suspect there may be damage to the other one.

Since the operation my body has not rebounded from the surgery and I am now suffering with crippling pain and an uncontrollable menstrual cycle.  Another round of tests and I’ve been diagnosed with a uterine polyp the size of a golf ball.  (I don’t know why my body is so hell bent on growing sporting equipment – maybe it’s sending me a message…)  I’m going to have it removed via a hysteroscopy and curettage on 9 December 2009.  I will also be having an IUD (Mirena) inserted.  This will hopefully slow the uterine lining growth down, however it will mean that I will be on permanent contraception; not so good for the baby making.

During all of the appointments I’ve had with the fertility and gynecological specialist they have consistently advised me that if I want to have a family of my own I need to lose weight.  Two years ago one of these specialists raised getting a Lap Band.  At the time I rebelled against the idea, then twelve months ago I went to an information session about them.  A couple of people close to me have had the Lap Band surgery.  The results have been hit and miss.

At the time I decided that the surgery wasn’t the way I wanted to proceed.  I figured I would be able to do it with healthy eating and exercise.  My body had other ideas.  Twelve months on and things aren’t getting any better and the suggestion has been made again.  At the information night I went to they talked about Lap Banding and Gastric Sleeves.  The information provided about Gastric Sleeves floated around in my head, so when the suggestion was made again I was a little more open to the possibilities.

After much discussion with my Husband we decided to go ahead and make an appointment to have the Gastric Sleeve performed.  It has numerous benefits for someone with PCOS, but it also has some pretty big impacts on my lifestyle and my body.  It also comes with the associated risks of major surgery. All of these have been weighed and discussed and the decision has been made.

Tomorrow I will be going to my pre-surgery appointment with my bariatric surgeon.  My surgery is booked for 14 December 2009, that’s only 21 days away.  Three weeks to the day.  (And yes, for the truly observant only five days after my gynecological procedure.)  Now’s the time to take the biggest step of my physical life.

I haven’t been able to work due to my girlie issues so it’s a great time to do the pre-surgery work I need for the Gastric Sleeve and to take the needed time off work in one hit.  Limiting the impact on my professional life.  It’s also a great way for us to “cover” the procedure so those that we don’t want to know about what’s happening can be lead to believe that it’s all the same girlie problem.

So that’s where I’m at, taking a massive step towards something new and exciting and so very very scary.  I’m following the advice of the surgeon and keeping a journal; this is it.  The journal of a skinny girl trapped inside the body of a fatty.  It’s not going to be pretty, but hopefully somewhere along the line it’ll be rewarding.  I’m not sure what the future holds, but I’m willing to bet it’ll be something completely different then what I’m expecting.  Only time will tell…