It’s been a long time coming, well it feels like it has anyways, but the day I hit double figures on the scale has finally happened!  The fact is it’s only taken 167 days, or five and a half months, which is totally amazing.  Here’s the figures:

I’d love to say that I have watched every calorie and exercised like a person possessed, but that would be a lie as big as the proposed Mining Tax.  I have eaten what I wanted, just in way smaller amounts.  I’ve been more active, but only when I wanted and when my body allowed me to.  I don’t feel like I’ve done anything outstanding, I’ve just lived life with a restriction that’s out of my control.

I went home and saw my folks for the first time since June 2009, when I was at my heaviest, and they were both amazed at the difference.  My Mum and I spent a bit of time discussing whether I’d actually done the work or not.  My Mum has struggled with her weight as well so it was interesting to hear her perspective on my actions.  She holds strong that I’ve done a lot of hard work, but I have to disagree.  I believe that I haven’t had a choice, so it’s out of my control.  If anything I just made one hard decision and then stuck to it.  Once the surgery was done it was out of my control.  I can’t eat the amounts that I used to even if I wanted to.

It’s been really frustrating at times, but the feeling of being 25kgs lighter certainly makes up for that fleeting frustration.  At times I’ve felt really bad for not being able to finish a meal.  My Dad made me some amazing meals while I was visiting and it was close to heart breaking to not be able to finish them.  Not from a food point of view, but I didn’t want him to think that I didn’t like the meal because I didn’t finish it.  I have the same clash of emotions when we eat at restaurants, but it’s more fleeting because I’m not emotionally invested with the chef in that instance.

I have noticed that I don’t like to eat out as much as I used to.  I just see it as a big waste of money because I can’t finish a meal.  It’s changing how I feel about what we cook in our home as well, which has been an interesting side effect.  I’ve started to view every eating opportunity as a once in a lifetime chance.  I can’t eat everything anymore, so I need to make sure what I get is good stuff.

I allowed myself to buy clothes for the first time in six months yesterday.  I had been holding off on buying clothes until I was under 100kg (which I haven’t been since 2003 – that’s 7 years!!!).  It was a weird feeling to be clothes shopping, and somewhat hard to break some long held shopping strategies.  I don’t need to be confined to really loud patterns and bad cuts as much as I had in the past.  In fact I’m starting to move back into the mainstream sizing and styling.  I finally purchased jeans so I can donate the pairs I have now that are slipping off me at every chance they get.

For the first time in many years I felt good about my appearance yesterday.  I felt like I was getting some of the groove I used to have back.  I’m still a big girl, but I’m not as big as I used to be and there’s no excuse any more for me not to dress appropriately, and fashionably.  I actually felt like hitting a pub last night, listening to good music, laughing and dancing the night away.  I haven’t had that feeling in YEARS.

In fact, today I’m heading in to buy some more clothes for work so I can donate the sacks I’ve been living in for the past five months.  Time to get some items that actually fit and I don’t have to worry about holding up whenever I walk anywhere.  I’m nervous about how I’ll go.  I’ve never been a fan of clothes shopping.  I hate those little rooms, their bad lighting and horrid curtains.  My ego is fragile at the best of times but especially now when I’m starting to think that things are going well.  I’d hate to get in there and find that I’m still having to wear clothing that still starts with a 2.

I need to just focus on what’s coming up, instead of what’s behind.  We have an appointment this month to start on IVF again.  Something that has been lingering over our heads for awhile.  I’m now lighter than I was when we first started the IVF process back in 2005.  I hope it makes a difference, but I’m not confident.  Since the D&C in December I’ve only had one period.  It makes a nice change from the bleeding straight for six months, but it’s not filling me with confidence that my body knows what it’s supposed to be doing. Either way we’ll know soon enough whether we’ll be starting our own family.

So, here it is a week after my 33rd birthday and I’m now in double figures.  I guess that’s one of the best birthday presents a girl could ask for.

Yesterday was weigh day and my first ever social skate with Canberra Roller Derby League.  I had a blast, but before I get to that I’d best get the boring statistics out of the way.

Yep, you’re reading that correctly.  It’s a loss of over 20kg.  Can I notice any difference?  Sometimes, but it’s hard to tell as I just seem to be me.  I’m sure once I get back into double digits it’ll start to sink in, but at the moment it seems a little hard to equate.

Anyways, enough about the boring stuff on to the exciting stuff; ROLLER DERBY!

I was really nervous about the social skate as I didn’t know anyone that was going.  Despite my desperate pleas to HUBBY to come with me as my support crew he refused and sent me on my own.  I did take my good luck charm; a string voodoo doll keychain that Alivicwil gave me for my birthday.  And he did bring me luck – I didn’t fall down! Yay!

I did manage to remember how to do a cross over skate on the corners which I was really happy about.  It’s a little weird to do while wearing knee pads, but I’ll get used to it.  It was also bloody hot being out there in the middle of the day skating on a black concrete basketball court covered in all the protective gear.  But I had a blast.  It’s given me the little boost I needed to get some more practice in before Freshmeat starts in March.

I did get some disappointing news while there, my name is already taken by someone in America.  It sucks, so I’ve had to put my thinking cap on and try and come up with another derby name.  Lucky I’ve got five months before it becomes important!

I had a blast and a laugh.  I cant’ wait for the season to start.

I was struck by the thought on the way home that had I not had the operation in December I probably wouldn’t be in a position to play this sport.  It’s still going to be hard going carrying the amount of weight I am at the moment, but it won’t be as hard as it would have been 20kg’s ago.  It made me get all misty eyed.  It’s like a new person is coming out from behind the blubber.  I’m getting back to the person I’ve wanted to be for so long and that’s scary and exciting.

While the weight loss is progressing nicely there’s some side effects that I wasn’t planning on.  While I’m experiencing the best nail growth I think I’ve ever had I’m also having the worst hair loss that I’ve ever had.  I’m losing hair by the clump.  Not just the normal hair loss that my rather thick hair is accustomed to, but full thick clumps of hair.

It’s gotten to the stage where I’ve made an appointment to see my GP.  I need to know if this is normal and what I can do to fix it.  I’ve seen some messages on the Gastric Sleeve Support forums about hair loss and it seems to be a part of the known side effects.  But still, there’s knowing that it happens and having it happen.

I’m also experiencing acne like never before.  It’s not the kind of acne that would have kept me home as a teenager, but it’s still bad for me.  I’ve never really had acne problems before so it’s all new.  I’m hoping that they might be connected and one solution will fix both.

I’m also starting to consider the fact that while I’m not eating a lot of food the foods I have been eating lately are probably not the best even in small doses.  I need to get back on track and make sure that I’m eating more lean protein and vegetables.  Probably need to have less chocolate chip cookies.

I’ve been rather ill this week as well which hasn’t been helping things.  I’ve put it down to stress but it will have been taking it’s toll on my system.  I haven’t been keeping the little food I have been eating in my system for very long.  I am still taking my vitamins like a good little girl, but I’m concerned.

It’s probably also a sign that I should stop watching House… but it’s just so compelling.

Bet you’re wondering where I’ve been… well I’ve been to see the Queen. No, that’s not true. I’ve just been suffering from ‘Sleeve Fatigue’.  I’ve just felt like everything has been revolving around my eating and I don’t deal with that at the best of time.  Let-a-lone when I’m going through a stressful time.  So something had to give and unfortunately it was my blogging.  But I’m trying to get back on track and the first step in that is getting back to my weekly weigh day and stats.  So here they are:

I’d love to say that I’ve been working hard and sticking to eating right, but that would be a lie.  It’s just luck and stress.  Admittedly I can’t eat large amounts of anything so that helps, but still I’ve been enjoying some treats lately that I really should be passing on.  I haven’t even looked at doing anything remotely exercise related.  I just can’t be arsed.

Our house is going through some worrying times at the moment and I’ve allowed that to be my focus.  What I should be doing is concentrating on doing the things that will make a difference and stop with the worrying.  There’s nothing I can do except stick to the plan and wait it out.  So I should try and remember that instead of freaking out and worrying about things I have no hope of changing.

In positive news I managed to get into my favourite pair of jeans which I’ve been holding on to for at least three years in the vain hope I’d one day get back into them.  That day was Wednesday.  Love it!  I’ve also managed to wear some shirts that I’ve not been able to put on since I purchased them.  I’m getting a whole new wardrobe without the expense of having to go and buy new clothes.  It’s kind of exciting.

I’m also really jazzed about being so close to double digits.  Only 5.7kgs to go.  If I was really motivated I’d jump on the treadmill and try and rush to that milestone.  Who knows?  Maybe this rainy weather will motivate me.

I’m still struggling with not being able to eat the amounts I used to.  Sometimes it would be nice to finish a meal.  Although at other times I’m really glad that I can’t eat the amounts I used to.  I guess it’s all a balancing act.  I’ve got to learn to be more accepting.  This is how it’s going to be.  If I want to be able to rejoice in the weight coming off then I’ve got to learn to be happy with the limited amount of intake.  It’s just an adjustment, and as with most changes in my life I’m kicking and screaming about it all.

I’d love to say I’m setting some mini goals for the next week, but I’m struggling with being positive at the moment.  Maybe by the middle of the week somethings will have resolved themselves and I can focus on the positives again.  Please GOD let me get some good news this week. Amen.

This week saw my four week post operative appointment and the official move to “real” food.  So what impacts did it have?

No real surprise there. I thought this week would be a little heavier due to the amount of crap food I’ve eaten.  (Admittedly not my ‘normal’ amount, but still it’s not been great.)

• Food – Well there’s no shock here.  With the move into the realm of real food I gave into the cravings and curiosity.  I don’t know why but I had been fascinated with the thought of how much of the fast food I would now be able to eat.  So I set about seeing for myself.  I wasn’t surprised as such, but I was really grateful to not be able to eat as much as I used to.  It was the same experience as with the Fish and Chips.  It felt so good to be able to walk away from the meal having only eaten a small portion.  I still felt sick afterwards, but it was worth it.  I can’t say I’ll be rushing out to repeat the process.  I am glad I did it though.  I’ll be able to reflect on how much like roadkill I felt after eating it that I won’t want it again.  I had a mini revelation yesterday while trying not to throw up the Hungry Jacks.  I seem to be most frustrated with not being able to eat what I used to after not eating for a long period of time.  I can’t say I’m as hungry as I used to be, but it seems that if I go a long period without eating when I do it it’s like it awakens something and I want to eat it ALL.  I feel good to have made the connection because now it means I can be more vigilant about eating regularly and saving myself the frustration and bad food choices.  I have to admit that I’ve been a little daunted by the thought of cooking.  It seems like such a waste to make a normal meal, but at the same time I really don’t want to be living off easy and quick (eg. bad) choices.  I need to find a balance.  I think that will be my mini food goal for this week – find a balance and variety in my meals.
• Exercise – Nonexistent.  I’m blaming the heat and some really late nights.  It’s been so hot here the last week that just the thought of moving has exhausted me.  It’s meant that I’ve avoided the treadmill.  But today with the cooler change I embraced the moment and cleared out the crap that has started to crowd in my workout room and got ready for a session on the treadmill.  I didn’t do it, I ended up cleaning the spare room, but the day’s not over yet!  I signed up to play Roller Derby this year and ordered my skates and protective gear.  I’m hoping all my gear will be here by Wednesday so I can start practicing my quad skating and getting out and about with some other Derby players.  I really want to get into a lifestyle that includes some social sport.  Baby steps.

My appointment with the surgeon went really well.  We talked about the process and I made some suggestions about ways they could be supporting sleeve patients.  I also talked about my experience with the nursing staff at the hospital and he’s asked that I put it in writing and send it in to the hospital.  He gave me the all clear to play sports and told me that this was it.  My stomach will be healed and this is my new life.  He was happy with my weight loss so far and advised me that I should see the loss start to slow down at 30 BMI.  Which for me is 90 kilograms, so that’s pretty cool.  There was nothing that I wasn’t expecting, so all in all a pretty good visit.

For the first year I need to have quarterly visits and then six monthly in the second year and then yearly from then on.  Apparently they like to run blood tests, etc. to make sure that you’re not malnourished.  I made my next appointment for April, just before I go home for holidays.  The surgeon thinks I will have lost 30 kilograms by the time I head home.  I can’t even begin to imagine what they will be like.  Needless to say, I’m very excited by the thought of it!

This week has seen me return to my workplace.  In the lead up to returning to work I was worried about how I would manage the food and liquid intake.  It has turned out to be different to what I was expecting.

My fluid intake still leaves something to be desired, but I’m heading out on my lunch breaks and picking up a juice so that’s made a difference.  The first few days at work I wasn’t feeling so crash hot so I didn’t really eat that much while I was at work.  But Thursday seemed to see a change in the way my body was reacting to food so I started eating more solid food at work.  It’s not been as bad as I thought it would be.  I’m lucky that I’ve got an hour to let the food settle. 

I’ve been keeping a food journal, thanks to my nifty new moleskine diary.  I’ve also decided (for now) to publish my food journal.  I can’t shake the feeling that it might help someone out there understand what happens and what they can expect when it comes to eating post surgery.  It paints an interesting picture.  I wonder if I should be more vigilant and record fluid intake and the time when I eat.  For now I’m just going to concentrate on keeping the record as I’ve not had a good history of recording my intake in the past.

I have been feeling a little off colour this week so I’ve spent every night (except for our dinner party excursion on Wednesday night) going to bed straight after work.  I’ve not been exercising and I’ve been sleeping in till I absolutely have to get out of bed, so my plans for being super organised and active woman have fallen through the cracks this week.  But I can, and will, change that.

On Saturday afternoon I’m planning on going ice-skating with Alivicwil so that should be a nice little bit of fun exercise for the day.  I’ll also get back on the treadmill on the weekend and start that routine again.  It’s about small steps.

Well it’s happened, I’ve managed to put on weight this week. My measurements are still falling which is great. It actually leads me to believe that the weight gain probably has more to do with the fact that my D&C was nearly four weeks ago so maybe my body is getting it’s routine back together.

I did some things differently this week:

• Exercise – I managed to get three thirty minute bouts on the treadmill done.  I really enjoyed it.  I would have done more but my socializing got in the way.  Curses to New Years!  I’m still a little disappointed that I managed to put on weight despite the increase in exercise, but I am still holding to the fact that it has more to do with other changes that could be taking place.  Oh the joys of being a woman!
• Food – This week I was supposed to move on to puree foods.  I seem to have skipped puree and moved straight on to soft real food.  I have had a few meals this week that were meals and not baby food.  I made egg salad and had some of that with mashed potato.  I had a small chicken wing, salad and cheesecake on New Years Eve.  I ate cheezels and doritos! I had some San Choy Bow and steamed plain noodles on January first.  I also had more cheesecake and bits of Cadbury Flake.  Yesterday I made some tomato soup based mince and pasta and it was yummy.  I’m still struggling with anything dairy and have come to the conclusion that I’ve become lactose intolerant post operation.  It sucks because I really miss milk, but even more so I miss ice-cream!  I’m still drinking a lot of cordial but it’s the only fluid vice I have now milk and soda are off the table.   I’m still struggling with portion control.  I find it really really hard to leave food on my plate; it’s like a compulsion to finish it.

Overall I’m pretty happy with how things are going.  I’m still battling the frustration that accompanies a meal and I have to learn to not take such big mouthfuls of fluid.  (It hurts on the way down!)  I’m a little disappointed that I haven’t lost twenty kilos by the time I return to work, but I knew that would have been a tad ridiculous.  I’m really happy that my measurements are falling, it’s another reason why I’m pretty sure the weight gain this week has been fluid retention.

I’m also really happy with the treadmill and spending time on it.  I was rather ill yesterday so I spent the day in bed and I missed my thirty minutes on the treadmill.  I find it’s a good way to just chill out for awhile and listen to music and daydream.  I’m a big fan of the daydream.

Tomorrow I return to work after nearly three months off due to illness.  I’m a little apprehensive about how I’ll manage my food intake.  I still haven’t quite worked out how to have a meal without feeling queasy afterward and I’m worried about the impact of that on my working day.  But I’m excited to be getting back out into the real world.

I spoke with my old hospital bunk buddy Jo today.  It was great to speak to her and hear how she’s doing.  She’s still on fluids because of a pre-existing condition she has, but she’s looking forward to eating solids.  We talked a lot about what our experiences have been and what we’re looking forward to and how our lives have changed.  I’m so grateful that I made a friend while in hospital, it’s great to know that she’s going through a similar thing. We’ve agreed to meet up for a meal (ha!) in a couple of weeks time after Jo has seen the specialist.  Should be a fun outing.

I met someone on NYE who had a sleeve done FIFTEEN years ago!  The operation was completely different back then, but she’s managed to lose (and keep off) forty-five kilos.  She looks great.  However she did talk a lot about life with a sleeve and it seems to involve a lot of vomiting and lusting after food.  She talked about her limitations (no rice, no meat and vomiting) and how her body feels post surgery.  It was good to talk to someone who’s been through it, even if the surgery was completely different.

All in all it’s been a pretty good week.  I managed to celebrate NYE without feeling like I was missing out, I caught up with a friend and I’ve managed to sleep in everyday this week.  I’m excited about what next week will bring and I’m hoping that it brings some more weight loss with it.  (I can’t help being worried about having had the surgery done and then still having my poor eating habits ruin it!)

I’ve spent the last few days hitting the treadmill in an attempt to get into an exercise habit.  It’s been really enjoyable, which is something I wouldn’t have thought I would say about exercising.  I’m currently only doing 30 minutes a day, but in a month I hope to be up to two 30 minute sessions a day.  Normally I exercise in the morning, when I get up, but yesterday I did 30 minutes just before I went to bed to see whether it made a difference or not.

I haven’t slept so soundly in a long time.  It was great.  I won’t have a chance to do a late night session tonight so I’ve already done 30 minutes.  I’d like to keep a night time session, but I know myself well enough that if I don’t get it out of the way as soon as possible I’ll find an excuse not to do it later.  So while I’m in these early stages I’m not going to risk it.

I’ve moved on to solid foods, mostly mashed potato and baby food.  Yesterday I made egg salad in an attempt to mix it up a little and get some more protein.  I really enjoyed eating the egg, but it’s so frustrating.  I have two tablespoons and I’m full to bursting.  It’s the same with fluid at the moment.  A few mouthfuls in a row and it’s like I’m going to be sick.  I feel like I’m taking a slide backwards.

The frustration at not being able to eat a “normal” meal is also getting to me.  I try and think rationally about it, but when it’s happening it’s hard not to feel cheated.  I know this is something I chose, but sometimes it’s just so hard.  I don’t think any amount of talking with other patients, the doctors and the dietitians can prepare you for this.  Also, I guess everyone is different and different things turn out to be important at different times.  I never thought portion size would be an issue, in fact it was one of the things I was looking forward to; feeling full sooner.

I’ve also gotten into a really bad habit of weighing myself everyday.  It’s crazy and I shouldn’t be doing it.  Especially since my scales keep returning the same number for the past few days; no matter what time of the day I weigh myself.  It’s a risky move to be doing.  It’ll either inspire me to keep going or cause the wheels to come of my wagon.  I need to just wait patiently until Sunday.  But patience never was my strongest suit.

I’ve become addicted to cordial.  I seem to have reached my limit for plain water and now I taint nearly every glass with cordial.  I think cordial may be my new Coke Zero.  I used to drink up to three cans of Coke Zero a day prior to the operation.  In the two weeks on Optifast I cut down to one a day.  However in the summer heat I have found myself craving a Coke, especially when we’ve been at the movies.  They say to avoid fizzy drinks in the first four weeks, but I’m going to wait until my 40 days are up and even then I’m going to see if I can kick soda altogether.  Although, if I’m going to insist on drinking full strength cordial I really should do the math and see which one is “better” healthwise.

We’re heading to a NYE party tonight and as has become the custom I shall be taking my own food and drink supply.  It makes me feel like a freak to have to take my own food.  I hate standing out because of my size and now I stand out as well because I’m the fat girl that has to eat special food.  I hate it.  I wish I’d had the smarts to stay home, but the socializing will do me good.  I tend to get stuck in my own mental patterns otherwise and it’s a downward spiral.  I need to be focusing on the positives.  Like I managed to wear jeans I haven’t been able to wear in over a year.  Or the shirts I bought while on holiday can now actually be worn.  Or the fact that I went through and packed up to donate half my current wardrobe because it no longer fits (in a good way).  So many positives and I seem to be able to only see the negatives.  It’s crazy how the mind works.

I also seem to be thinking more about my early twenties and the things that I did then.  I had such a good time growing up.  I wouldn’t change any of it – well that’s not true.  I’d like to go back and smack my younger self upside the head for thinking I was massively overweight.  I wasn’t.  I was five kilos outside my goal weight.  I’d also like to warn myself about the perils of emotional eating before it really got out of hand.  But, hindsight is always 20/20 and if I hadn’t done those things I might not have met the wonderful man that is now my husband and that would have sucked.  (Understatement of 2009 there!)  But I digress, this summer is reminding me of those times.  The partying and the laughs.  I would love to have that again.  I was confident and outgoing and I feel like I’ve let my weight dictate my mental image which has seen me collapse in on myself.

I panic when we go out that I’ll run into someone who hasn’t seen me in a long time and have to watch the “man, you got big” look come into their eyes.  I’m reminded of a trip home I made when I was twenty kilos overweight and I ran into a guy I used to party with and he said to me “What happened to you? You used to be hot!”  It’s funny how that one encounter has stayed with me for so long and now I’m 60 kilos overweight.  Imagine what he’d say now!  Probably nothing.  People get scared of the fat.  When you’re a few kilos overweight they have no problem with calling you fat, really put on the pounds and they shut up.

That’s when you know you’re in trouble; when the silence comes.  People no longer comment on your appearance.  They gaze in wonder when they think you’re not looking, praying that it doesn’t happen to them.  I remember thinking when I was 19, “How do people let themselves get that big?  It’s not like you wake up one day and you’re fat.  Surely they can do something about it?”  Oh how those thoughts haunt me now.  It’s true you don’t wake up one day and think “Shit, I’m huge!”  You wake up everyday and think, “Man, I need to lose some pounds.  I’ll go on a diet.”  You make it through breakfast and then hit lunch and think, “Mmmm… those chips smell awesome.  I might just duck down to KFC, but I’ll only have the small.”  Then you’re at KFC and the kid behind the counter says “Would you like to upgrade for $1?” And you find yourself saying, “Sure!”  Before you know it you’re waking up again in a few months and thinking “Man, I need to lose some pounds.  I’ll go on a diet.”  Only this time you’re ten kilos bigger than last time.  And the cycle continues.  Before you know it you’re sitting in a Bariatric Surgeons office talking over the best way for them to surgically assist your fat ass to lose a few pounds.

The thoughts of “Man, I need to lose some pounds.  I’ll go on a diet” are replaced with “How did I let myself get to this stage?”  It’s hard not to feel like a freak when it comes to thinking about the surgery.  Sometimes I feel like I took the easy and lazy way out, then I think about the four weeks that are behind me and I wonder if I didn’t take the harder option.  But it’s no use dwelling on the past or the actions that have gotten me here.  I need to focus on the taking one day at a time and making that day count.  Which is a thousand fold easier to type than it is to do.

I’ve been a little bit quiet, but it’s the festive season so I hope you’ll forgive me.  Things have been puttering along.  I’ve found a few things of interest, but I’ll get to those after I give you the latest statistics.

The weight loss for this week has slowed considerably, but it’s still over a kilogram lost.  I’ve been trying to work out what the difference has been and I think I can attribute it to the following:

• No exercise – I stopped doing my thirty minutes on the treadmill.  This has to change, back to walking I go.
• Increase in high sugar foods - I’ve been eating a lot of Frosty Fruits in this heat and I’ve increased my ice-cream intake.  While it’s not at the same level (nowhere near it!) that I used to have it’s still wasted sugar when I’m not exercising.
• Decrease in protein – I’m struggling to drink the milky drinks, like Up & Go and Sustagen.  They seem to bloat me and make me feel sick, so I’ve dropped my intake of them.  Which I think is impacting on my desire to have empty calories.  I need to start forcing myself to get these drinks back on the rotation.

But a loss is still a loss and I need to learn about what my body can and cannot handle now.  The measurements are really starting to reflect the changes that are happening.  I’m not going to take another set of photos until my 40 day mark is up on 22 January 2010.  I’ll be sharing my weight loss and lessons each Sunday however.

I have found over the past week that I can no longer stomach milk.  I used to live on the stuff, now it’s like a lead weight.  I’m really bummed about this and I hope it’s something that passes with time.  I can’t imagine a life without milk!

Today is my last day of a fluid only diet! Woo Hoo!  However I have started to put a few “solids” in my intake.  On the 24th I blended cheese and macaroni.  I thought I had busted my stitches!  It was WAY to heavy and despite only have about 3 tablespoons I thought I was going to hurl.  I ended up laying down for half an hour and waiting for the exploding feeling to pass.  I am really lucky that I didn’t do any damage!  It certainly made me cautious about what else I ate!

On Christmas day I made the best scrambled eggs of my life; 7 eggs, 350mL thickened cream, garlic and Parmesan cheese.   Combine and whisk.  It was awesome.  I only had about a quarter of a cup and HUBBY had the rest.  But it was so worth it.  (I used 7 eggs because they were due to expire.)  I was so full after wards.

I’m really struggling with the new limited intake.  It’s frustrating to want to eat and not be able to.  I’m not getting as much intake as I thought I would and I’m kind of hoping it’s because I’m still healing, but I don’t think it is.  I think this is it.  There’s just so much yummy out there and I can’t eat it like I used to.  I think this will be one of the things that takes the longest to sink in.

On Boxing Day we went to the movies.  I had a juice and a chocolate sundae.  Big mistake!  I spent twenty minutes during the movie in the bathroom trying not to throw up while my body got rid of the too rich food.  It’s hard to remember sometimes that just because you can eat it doesn’t mean you should.  I hate being sick, but it taught me a good lesson; rich foods are not my friend!

On the way home from the movies we stopped at a corner store (supermarkets were closed for the holiday) and I picked up some more tinned soup and some baby food.  The range in baby food this day is amazing. Organic and complex recipes.  It was like striking gold.  Last night I have organic beef and vegetables for dinner.  Kids have it so good!  I ended up with the best of the limited range they had and I’m looking forward to hitting a major supermarket and going nuts on the baby food.  The 170g serving sizes are great – just enough to fill me to popping.  It’s going to be strange taking baby food to work, but it’s a small price to pay for something other than fluid.

I’m really looking forward to real food, but even then I don’t think it’s going to be the same as before.  I’d kill for some bread.  HUBBY made toasted sandwiches today and I thought I was going to rip his arm off as he walked past.  It smelt so damn good!  Bread will be something to look forward to in February I suspect.

That’s one thing this experience has made me, an expert in the countdown.  Three days to surgery, 14 days to puree, 40 days to safety and 30 kilos to go.  I seem to just be counting down all the time now.  Watching the calendar and making calculations.  In one way it’s really horrible that everything comes down to crossing those days off the calendar, and in other ways it’s teaching me a level of patience I’ve just never had.  It’s a struggle.  Every day is a struggle.  Sometimes the struggle is easier and sometimes it feels like I could break under it.   The desire to eat something “real” is so overwhelming at times it’s all I can do not to curl in a ball and cry.

Hopefully the ability to eat puree will release some of the pressure.  Something other than fluids.  It’s still going to be hard to be in social settings and not be able to eat like everyone else.  To be able to sample things even.  But it’ll get better, just a matter of counting the days and waiting I guess.

I guess it’s time to do a bit of a recap of what went down this last week.

Monday

I had to be at the hospital at 7am; I was 15 minutes late.  While waiting for my surgery I was put in the room I was going to have.  There was a woman in there that had had the procedure last week and was being discharged on Monday.  It was really handy.  It was the first time that I was able to talk to someone in the flesh that had had the procedure.  I got to ask her a lot of questions and she helped quell the nerves that were running rampant.

I was second on the surgery list so I was taken down to the holding pen at 9:44am.  I was lucky enough to be able to offer a student nurse the ability to follow my case from admission to recovery.  So I spent a lot of my time talking to her about what was going to happen and her experiences.  I met the anesthesiologist again and she talked me through what would happen and what to expect.

At 10:00am they took me into the anesthesiologist room and started preparing me for the surgery.  I met the nursing staff that would be assisting throughout the procedure.  Got some last minute jokes in.  (Apparently I asked them to take me for one last spin through MacDonalds Drive-Through.)

The last thing I remember was getting some gas offered to me.  Then I was awake in recovery.  Recovery was really noisy and bright.  I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep.  I’m not sure how long I was in recovery for, but I know that I asked to go to the bathroom and they gave me a bed pan.  No way was I going to pee in the bed.  I sat on that bed pan for two hours with no movement.  They took the bed pan out and sent me up to the ward.  Once in the ward they put the bed pan back.  Another two hours and no movement from the bladder.  I ended up asking if I could go to the bathroom.  The nurse was really surprised that I was up and walking.  Peeing is a mighty motivator!

HUBBY was in the ward with me, but I kept going in and out of slumber.  I remember telling him to go home around 6pm and to take my mobile because I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone.  I just wanted to sleep.  I was so tired.  I wasn’t in much pain, just really tired.  I woke up again later in the evening to find that I had a roommate.  She seemed to be in a lot of pain and was begging her husband to remove the tube in her nose.

I got up and went to the bathroom again and then straight back to sleeping.  At 10:00pm they woke me to take my vitals.  I thought it was closer to 4am in the morning and was rather surprised when they said it was only 10pm.  My mouth was so dry, all I wanted was some water or ice to try and get some moisture back in my mouth.  I wasn’t allowed any.

It was now that my roommate and I go to talking and worked out we’d both had the same procedure by the same surgeon.  We quickly bonded over our experience.  She had a nose tube which I didn’t have – thankfully.  She was also experiencing nausea which I didn’t have.  I had pain from the gas that they used to pump my chest cavity up with.  The nursing staff advised that if I wanted to get rid of that pain that I needed to get up and moving about.

I slept a lot of the night, only being awake for more vital measuring.  I was connected to an IV, had a nasal oxygen tube and had a drain on my left side so moving about was cumbersome.

Tuesday

By the start of Tuesday I was desperate for some water.   I wasn’t hungry, just wanted something to parch the dryness in my mouth.  I got ice at 9am. It was like heaven.  I have never been so relieved to have ice in my life.  We weren’t allowed to sip water, just suck on the ice.  The ice hurt going down, but again that was due to the gas and swelling in my stomach.

I wasn’t feeling any pain, but I was hooked up to mother’s little helper.  I was able to self medicate pain relief.  I found that when I had some I was instantly sleepy so in the end I was just using it to go to sleep.

Jo (my roommate) and I spent the day comparing our symptoms and talking about why we’d done the procedure and what we hoped to get from it.  She was in a lot more discomfort than I was.  At one stage she was dry-retching from the nausea.  It was horrible.  It took the nurses 45 minutes from when she asked for anti-nausea medication to when they actually administered it.  It then took them another two hours before they changed her bedding and gown from where she’d had a fluid spill.  I was disgusted with the nursing staff at that point.

If it’s one thing that this trip to the hospital has provided it’s an insight into the nursing profession and the way they run the wards.  Some nurses are brilliant.  They don’t make you feel like you’re a pain in the ass for ringing for them.  They respond quickly, they explain what they’re doing and they’re considerate of the patient.  Some nurses on the other hand make you feel like something they’ve stepped in.  Like you’re a pain in the arse for calling for them and that they have other things they’d rather be doing than help you.  Jo and I spent a lot of time talking about the nursing staff and how the experience differed from our expectations.  It was also funny because we got to know the moods of the nurses.  We had one nurse three days in a row and her level of care definitely depended on the mood she was in.  In the end Jo and I just laughed about it and tried to help each other out where possible.

Tuesday was all about the sleeping and ice.  Our surgeon visited and was really happy with the operation and how I was recovering.  He spoke about how he saw my progress happening and when I would be put on clear fluids.  He talked about how our stomachs were in shock and swollen from the procedure.  He was really friendly and helpful.

HUBBY came to see me and laughed about how out of it I had been the day before.  I spoke to my parents on the phone during the day which was great.  It’s hard at times to be so far apart when things like this happen. But I know they love me and were thinking of me and sending me well wishes.

Tuesday afternoon some random nurse, who didn’t introduce herself, came in and informed us that she’d noticed we didn’t have our curtains open.  We just both looked at each other.  We’d been dead to the world asleep when she came in so we didn’t see why it was a big deal.  When she left Jo and I just cracked up laughing.  We then started referring to her as the “Daylight Savings Nazi”.

I had my first sip of water and it HURT! It was so painful.  I was a little concerned that it would continue to hurt, but they told me that it was because of the gas that was still in my system.  I continued to sip water throughout the day, but it wasn’t as important as I was still on an IV.

Tuesday night was more vital monitoring during the night, but it was stretched out a bit more.  We were also woken for our blood thinner injections.  I started to amass a nice little collection of bruising.  I got up twice during the night and went for laps of the ward. I did a thirty minute round at 10am and then a fifteen minute round at 2am.  It was so helpful for moving the gas, but it still hadn’t moved enough to remove the pain.

I struggled a bit when I had my first shower.  It was so frustrating not being able to move freely and then calling for the nursing staff to help me get dressed afterward and having to wait forty minutes for them to turn up.  I was a little bit over it all.

Wednesday

I had my first meal.  Clear chicken broth.  It was awesome.  It took me nearly an hour to finish.  I was also given apple juice, jelly and cordial but I couldn’t bring myself to consume it all.  I started storing up my apple juice and gave it to HUBBY when he’d visit.

In the afternoon they removed my pain medication IV.  I didn’t miss it.  I still had my fluid IV in.

Jo and I continued to talk about crap and laugh about our experience.  My student nurse came to pay me a visit which was cool.  She was so excited about the operation and talked to us about what she’d seen.  She was amazed at how the procedure had been done.    She talked about how he’d removed the stomach, how they’d secured my liver in place so they could access the stomach and how the removed stomach has died during the procedure.  It was really cool to hear her so excited about what she’d seen.  It was also great because it provided a level of information that we wouldn’t normally have gotten.  I’m really glad that I was able to help someone have such a great learning experience.  Hopefully it’s something she remembers for years to come.

My good friend, M, came to visit for a few hours.  It was great to see her and catch up on everything, although towards the end I was struggling to keep my eyes open.  I was really amazed at how tired I was and how it seemed to come on really quickly.  It was just so lovely to see her.  HUBBY came and visited at lunchtime as well.  It’s funny how you miss intimacy when you’re in the hospital.  I just wanted to cuddle with him and I was strung up on machines.

Jo and I had talked about the need to move the gas from our bodies.  We were laying down chatting and I felt some movement.  I turned to Jo and apologised for the fact that I was about to pass gas.  A little bit came out and it was louder than I thought it would be so I started laughing.  That just caused it to come on in spits and sputters.  The two of us were cracking up.  It went on for minutes.  I hadn’t had a laugh like that in ages.  I felt so much better after getting rid of that gas.

That afternoon they removed my drain and replaced it with a bag.  It was gross.  My cannula also failed so they removed my IV.  They told me that if I couldn’t drink a liter of water by midnight to let them know and they’d have to put another IV in.  I told them at 8pm that I didn’t think I’d be able to drink the water and could I have another IV.  The nurse agreed and said she’d go get the stuff to put it in. I must have fallen asleep straight after talking to her because I woke up at 10:30pm and I didn’t have an IV in and the nurse in question had finished for the day.  I buzzed for the night nurse and asked where my IV was.  He assured me that I’d be able to drink the water and if I couldn’t they’d give me the IV in the morning.  I was furious. All I had heard all day was that I needed to keep my fluids up because dehydration was a major set back and could make me sicker and here it was the nursing staff not doing what they said they would.

I called him back about fifteen minutes later and told him my drain bag was leaking.  He “checked it” and said it wasn’t.  I disagreed and moved it and a stream of fluid shot from the bag.  He then had to put a new bag on the site.  I wrapped a small hand towel around the bag just in case it leaked again.  Only one problem, I forgot it was there when I woke up an hour or so later and went to the bathroom.  When I stood up the towel slide down the bag and knocked the cap off the bag. The contents of the bag went everywhere.  I was drenched.

I ended up going to the bathroom and then calling for a nurse to come and change my gown for me.  Twenty minutes later they turned up and I got to put dry clothes on.  Again it was frustrating having to wait that long for someone to come and help me.

A few hours later I woke up drenched in sweat and shaking from the cold.  It was horrible.  I was so cold and I couldn’t control my hands from the shaking.  I ended up calling for a nurse and getting a heated blanket.  The blanket was heaven, but the shaking was scary.

The night nurse was just weird.  He used to come in to do our checks and turn on the overhead lights and wake us right up.  At one stage Jo had to have her machines reset and it took him forever to turn up and then when he did it was a major production.  In the end it provided Jo and I with much merriment.  I came to the conclusion really quickly that if we didn’t laugh you’d either cry or get really angry.

Thursday

The day started with the night nurse coming in at 6:30am flinging the drapes open and welcoming us to a “brand new day“.  At the time both of us were asleep.  It was just nuts.  The minute he finished our vitals we went straight back to sleep.  They woke us again an hour later.  By this stage both Jo and I were complaining that we just wanted to sleep.

The day was fairly uneventful.  Another visit from the “Daylight Savings Nazi” to tell us that she wants to see us all walking around the ward.  We just laughed when she left.

I had a full day of clear fluids.  I had to keep a record of all the fluids I consumed.  I found it easier to get fluids down as I had moved a large chunk of the gas that was still in my body.

In the afternoon I was really starting to hanker for something more substantial than clear fluids.  I asked the nurses a couple of times if I could have some milk or ice-cream.  I was told no.  I cried on the inside.

Jo and I continued to move around the ward.  Jo still wasn’t feeling well.  The surgeon told me that I’d get to go home on Friday.  Yay!

I had visitors again – COUSIN and LEE LEE.  It was great to have familiar faces and a laugh about things that weren’t stomach related.

It’s weird but I had some apprehension about heading home.  I wasn’t sure how I’d manage the fluid intake and what if something went wrong.  It’s weird how the mind works.

I had some stomach pain during the night and they gave me oral painkillers.  It tasted like shite, but worked a treat.  I was out like a light.  When I woke up I thought I was in a hotel and was trying to work out whether I was still in Canberra or not.  Totally weird.

I woke again during the night drenched in sweat and hot as Hades.   The night nurse ended up tracking down a fan and bringing it in to try and cool me down.

Friday

I was so tired when morning came that I struggled to stay awake between visits from the nursing staff to check vitals.

The surgeon’s offsider visited us early in the morning and brought good news.  I could go on to free fluids.  Apparently I was supposed to have a protein shake yesterday but the nursing staff hadn’t supplied it like he’d requested.  So he organised some breakfast for me.

It was so awesome to be able to have food with some texture.  I ate my ice-cream straight away, and then paid for my eagerness with some stomach pain as my body tried to digest everything.  I had some porridge and saved my yogurt, milk and juice for later.

I got a visit from the hospital dietitian.  She told me everything that the Canberra Bariatric Dietitian had told me.  She also provided me with two samples of Sustagen.

The surgeon came by shortly after I’d had a shower and told me I was free to go.  Woo hoo!  At 11am HUBBY came to get me and we left the big house.  Yay!

Jo and I have agreed to meet up in four weeks time to catch up and see how we’re both going on our journeys.  I can’t wait to see how she goes, it’s so exciting.

We stopped by Woolworths on the way home.  I’ve never been so desperate to punch someone out.  I was so cranky.  It seemed like every person with a trolley or shopping basket seemed out to hit me in the stomach.  The staff also couldn’t point us in the right direction for where the Sustagen or Up & Go was located.  The place was nuts, seemed like everyone was out to get their pre-Christmas groceries.

By the time we got home I was knackered.  But glad to be home.

So that was the week that was.  It seems like a dream from long ago.  It’s hard to think that I’m missing some of my stomach.  The struggle now will be to keep the fluids up and not fall behind.  I need to work out a way to keep a journal of what I’m consuming.  Might be time to buy another Moleskin.