I’m angry.  Really angry.  Seething.  I want to lash out and hurt someone as much as I hurt right now. I feel like a vessel that’s filled with anger and I’m trying to contain it.  Afraid that if I let any of it out that I’ll do irreversible damage and I won’t be able to stop.

I think I’m a good person.  I do good deeds.  I haven’t committed any major crimes.  I try to obey the speed limit.  I do things for others at my own sacrifice. I’m a good bloody person.  So why am I getting fucked over?

All around me I see young people, no income, no education, having babies.  I read stories of girls at the age of 12 having babies.  The television and internet is littered with stories of starving, neglected, abused, abandoned, unloved children.  Yet here I sit desperate for our own family and I can’t even get into to see a competent doctor.  Where’s the justice in that?

We’ve been trying to have a baby naturally for years – HUBBY’s sperm count is through the charts, but my body is broken.  We’re been rejected for adoption – too fat and family medical history too shaky.  We’ve tried to be approved for foster care, but because my Grandfather liked to be a little too affectionate to the young girls in our family I get drilled to the point of leaving the process because it was too much emotionally having to relive the experience again and again.  Can’t pay for a surrogate because Australian laws are so backwards even India is better equipped to deal with it.

What.the.fuck.is.going.on?

Today I sat for 2 hours and 20 minutes waiting to get in to see a doctor so I could start the IVF process.  When I finally get in to see the doctor, no apology for the delay, he tells me that he can’t help me.  And besides I have to wait a month for my surgery to heal before we can start.  Shame it’s the doctor that told me last month to make an appointment to start IVF TODAY!

I’m so frustrated I can’t even think straight.

I’m tired of the do gooders that think their opinion on my situation is all I need to hear to make it all better – because what I really need is a sanctimonious lecture about how diet and exercise will solve all my problems.  I’m tired of sitting in waiting rooms listening to the children talk about giving birth to their own children.  I did the right thing, I waited till I was in a loving and stable relationship, to have a house to call our own, to be able to provide for a child’s care before I tried to get pregnant and how am I rewarded? A screwed up legal system and an incompetent health care system.

The government currently rewards children for having babies by giving them the $6,000 baby bonus.  If they want to increase our population so badly give me the $6,000 so I can pay for IVF, or even go to India and buy a baby.  Or better yet, how about you pool all that money and pump it in to the health care system so I don’t have to wait for 2 hours to be told by a doctor that I can’t start yet because I need to heal.  Something I could have been told a month ago by a doctor that wasn’t stressed due to over loading of patients in the first place because he would have had time to look at my file in advance!  Or even get a better staffing situation on the reception desk so that I didn’t have to sit through three shift changes and have my file get lost under paperwork.  Or, I know, change the legislation so that we can have surrogate mothers without having to travel to a third world country and take advantage of poor people living in squalor so you can “protect” the 15yr olds that are buying knockoff designer label clothes three sizes too small, smoking a pack a day, drinking blue label Jim Beam and spending their baby bonus on something really helpful for their child like a 50inch flat screen television.

And you know what really smokes my chaps.  Tomorrow I get to wake up, go into the world and make an appointment at the Specialist’s private practice, instead of the public clinic, wait another month or so and then pay through the nose to try and fall pregnant.  So my medicare levy, my private health insurance and my own money can go towards a procedure that I would be eligible for in a public hospital all because that systems so over crowded and underfunded that I have to pay to get any sort of level of service.  Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m very thankful I’m in a position to pay for health care that other’s that choose to drop out of school, choose to not work, choose to be a burden on society can get for free.

Not only that, but then I get to fight hard everyday of my life to hold on to a job so I can provide for that long awaited child so they too can grow up to do good and pay for things that others get for free, all while supporting the portion of society that choose to do nothing about improving their lot in life.  It’s just a great big cycle of life!

If one more person tells me that “it’ll be worth it in the end” I’m going to violate them with the nearest bluntest object.  Of course it’ll be bloody worth it – I’m not blind to how friggin awesome having children will be, it’s why I’m going through all this crap in the first place! But that doesn’t mean that there won’t be days when all I want to do is sit in a corner and cry.  That I won’t want to rant and rave and tell the world just how bloody unfair I think it all is.  That everytime I look at a young pregnant person I won’t be so envious and jealous of them that it will hurt all the way to my toes.  That I’ll feel like the biggest bitch on the planet because I resent people for their happiness, even though I’m so happy for them at the same time its ridiculous.

But… at the end of the bad days (and there’s a lot more of them then they tell you) I have to stop the tantrum, pick myself up off the floor, remind myself just how bloody fantastic I do have it and get on with doing everything in my power to realise my dream.  Life sucks, and then you make lemonade!