Today’s been an emotional day. My head’s not in the best space. To try and help me through the mental block HUBBY took me to the Christmas Barn in Bredbo. It was great. We managed to get some Christmas decorations and stay out of the house for awhile.

HUBBY said he’d do Optifast for the weekend. He didn’t last to 7am. It was funny. He has a new appreciation for the diet. He also complains non-stop when hungry.

On Friday the Doctor told me I could have a meal off plan. I wasn’t going to take it but after this mornings discussions and HUBBY falling off the wagon so quickly we decided to celebrate tonight. So I ate a real meal. I have rump steak and potato. I also had a slice of HUBBY’s pizza. It was awesome… for all of two minutes. I wasn’t even finished and I was feeling sick. I couldn’t finish the meal and I wanted to throw it all back up.

I think the Optifast may have broken me. It’s going to make having Optifast for the rest of the week so much easier. I don’t want to feel this sick again for a long time. Even now six hours later I still feel ill. It’s giving me something to look forward for after the surgery. I can’t wait to be sick when I fall off the wagon. It’ll reinforce that I have no choice but to change my eating habits. It’ll be awesome.

While I had the endorsement of the Doctor to eat a real meal I still can’t shake the feeling that I did something wrong. We talked at length about what eating a real meal would mean. We talked about it being approved and therefore it’s not breaking the diet plan, so I’m not cheating myself or failing. I think if I could go back in time and not do it, I would. But only because I feel like such crap right now. It’s like my body is in toxic shock.

I’m actually looking forward to my Optifast Chocolate Milkshake tomorrow. Something soft and nice to soothe my traumatized stomach!