FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS OF A SUCCESSFUL INFERTILE

Through a series of seemingly unrelated events it’s come to pass that we’ve been talking about what schools we’d like to send the Little Man to.  This discussion in turn has made us think about and talk about what we’ll do with the 3 embryo’s we have on ice.

When we started IVF, in the heady early days when we thought we were invincible and it would work first go, we made a promise to ourselves that we’d be like the Marines and leave no embryo behind.  Regardless of how many we had, or how many children we’d been blessed with, we’d use all of our embryo’s.

Six years on and 1 child later those 3 embryo’s have come to mean something a lot more than a vague concept of parenthood.

We know now, in part, what it means to have a child. We know the fear, the anxiety, the all consuming love and the overwhelming joy.  We also know the impact that it makes on your lives, from the simple lack of sleep to the loss of income that comes with having a parent in the home full time.

For me, personally (and let me make it clear this is one hell of a personal decision and it will very for everyone, and I am in no way judging anyone’s decisions I’m just sharing my thought process with you) I don’t believe that I can leave those embryos frozen.  I know that I couldn’t donate them to another fertility challenged couple and I know that I couldn’t let them be used for testing.

For me those embryos represent possible lives.  They are the possibility of the next Mozart, or the next Mother Theresa or the person that cures Cancer. (Yes, my genes are just that good! *tongue poke*)  They are infinite possibilities.

Here’s where it gets sticky… I’m not sure I want to have another child.  And even as I type that I cringe, because I know that if I had have been able to have children when I wanted to I would have had a family of 4 if I could have.  But that’s not the hand I was dealt and I’m not a sprightly 25 anymore.  I’m getting close to 40 and as much as I like to believe that woman can do anything and be anything – this woman can no longer bend over without making old man groaning noises.

I had a really good pregnancy in comparison to other woman I know, but my body took a beating that it’s never going to bounce back from.  I know that the older I get the more difficult it’s going to be to physical endure a pregnancy and I’m ok with that.  Had I looked after my body like it was a Ferrari and not a Datsun 120Y I would probably be in a different position, but I didn’t and I can’t change that so I’ll make the most of what I’ve got.  And what I’ve got is a pelvis that’s not made out for carrying babies.

I’ve been extremely blessed and fortunate to be in a position where I can stay home with my child for the first 12 months and, in theory, I won’t be returning to my day job until he’s 2.  That’s a complete luxury and one that I won’t be able to give our next child (should we have one). Is that fair? I don’t know.  I don’t know how I would go knowing that I would have to return to work within 12 months of having another baby.  (I still don’t want to be away from our son and he’s 1, what would I be like with the next child?)

Then there’s the completely selfish side of me that doesn’t want to have another child because it would mean putting our plans even further on hold and I’m not sure I can live with the crappy bathroom we have now for another 4 years.  We have things that we’d like to achieve and to do that we need 2 incomes.

We’ve started looking at schools and we think that all things working the way we’d like our son will go to a private school and that means big school fees.  (Like seriously, you could buy a new car a year based on the fees!)  If we have another child I’m not sure we could afford to send 2 of them to private schools.  And yes, I know that public schools are just as good as private schools and kids that went to public school still achieve and often out do private school kids.  Both of us are public school children and I know what we’ve done and what our friends have done, but it’s a personal decision and I personally would like to send my child to a private school.

Would our kids be disadvantaged if they went to a public school, no.  I know that if we had another child we’d make it work and that the important things in life are those that you can’t buy.  I know all of those things, but that’s not the things I dream of.  I know that I’m being selfish and I know that if we had more than 1 child we’d have so much more joy and love in our lives, but I’m just not sure I’m willing to make the necessary sacrifices to live that life.

And no, it’s not lost on me how extremely lucky and blessed I am to be facing these questions.  I do not in the lest take for granted how fortunate I am to even be having to have these thoughts, but this is my life and like everyone I sometimes struggle to know which path to try and take.

And there’s those 3 embryos…

I know in my heart that I would not be able to live a life without regret and guilt if we do not give those 3 embryos a shot at life.  So now it becomes about when will we give them that shot and for me that answer is starting to look like December 2013.

I’m getting older and our Little Man is growing and I don’t want to be 40 and going through another round of IVF.  Our experience has been that when we’ve thawed 3 embryos we’ve ended up with 2 viable for implanting, so in my head I see this as our last IVF round.

I’ve not hidden that fact that to get our Little Man we spent in excess of $100,000 in treatments, operations and medical experts. We don’t have that kind of cash to throw at giving him a sibling so even if we desperately wanted to have more children I think that this would be our last round.

I’m not sure what this round will bring… I know that I’m going to have to get back on the merry-go-round shortly if we want to have another shot in December. I’m scared that I will need more exploratory surgeries to check things out (things didn’t go quite that smoothly after his birth in that department) and I don’t know whether I can mentally do that again.  Plus it will be harder this time juggling the Little Man in the mix.

I think in some ways this time around will be a lot easier because the pressure will be off, but in other ways I worry that it will have more pressure because I’m not sure what outcome I’m hoping for.  (But then again, I don’t think I was ever really sure what outcome I wanted…)

I love our Little Man so much and I’m not sure how my heart would expand to include another child.  I know the anxieties I have now about our future and I don’t want to add to those.  I see our little family and I think it’s pretty much perfect and I wonder if having another child will cause that happiness to be at risk from the extra financial pressures of having another child.

I worry that I won’t give this round my everything because I’m scared of it working and that will cause it to fail and if that happens then whats the point in spending the money to give those embryos a chance when I’ve not given them a chance.

And I guess in some deep dark recess I’m wondering if going through our last round of IVF will make me face the fact that this is our family, that there is no more and that it’s time to talk preventive ovarian and cervical cancer surgery with my specialist and that’s another surgery I’m not looking forward to.

It’s a lot to think about and I’m not sure what the correct answer is (and I suspect there is no correct answer).  I know that whatever happens we’ll have a happy life, it’s just what mix that happy life will take that’s up in the air.  But for now I’m sending off our waiting list applications for schools and organizing referrals back to our Fertility Specialist and trying to enjoy the magic in each day.