|

What’s Up With Me?

ByGnomeAngel

gnomeangel-behind-the-scenes

I’m a big believer in the power of coincidence. What do I mean by that? Well I believe that we notice coincidences in our lives because something in our subconscious is trying to point out something to us, whether it’s a lesson, a choice, a need or a want. I try hard to notice all the many and varied coincidences in my life and take from them what I need at that point in time. For the past 9 months I’ve been really struggling (which if you’ve read the blog for any amount of time this year will have been evident). I’ve been struggling with life in general but I’ve also felt like I’m going through some major personal developments. It’s kind of like I’m having my own Wonder Weeks. (If you’ve not heard of Wonder Weeks before then click here.) I’ve wanted to write about it but I’ve not known how to start and then this week (coincidence time) I saw this post from Kelly Exeter and decided it was as good a time as any to get it out of my system.

Back in December 2015 I very proudly and excitedly signed on to work with C&T Publishing to write my first book. I was thrilled – beyond thrilled – but I was also really nervous. You see when I pitched the book idea I didn’t think it would get accepted. I knew I wanted to write a book, but I thought I needed to do a lot more work and development before I’d be “ready” to write a book and to have that book accepted. So I did what I have always done; I applied and thought they would knock me back but in the knocking back they’d tell me where my weak points were so I could work on those and then apply again with more success.

It’s a tactic I’ve used in the past for things and what I tend to forget about it is that while it’s great in theory sometimes I get accepted and then I’m left in this position of feeling really, really, out-of-my-depth and it’s usually a pretty traumatic experience. However, at the end of it all some of the biggest blessings in my life have come from it. This sage wisdom is something that I did not remember at the time of my struggles…. which is a shame because it might have helped me to calm down and relax into the process (which is something I desperately needed to do).

So… the book. I pitched. I got accepted. I promptly had the biggest crisis of creative faith I’ve ever had. The universe then decided it would upset the apple cart in a pretty major way and cue the past 9 months of thrash.

I’m a pretty confident person when it comes to my own creative vision. I don’t design by committee (in fact it’s a really annoying process for me if I have to). I trust my decisions and I trust in my decisions. But for some reason when I signed on that dotted line that confidence decided it would be the perfect time to go on vacation. Everything I touched felt forced, over complicated, unoriginal, boring and repetitious. I couldn’t find my voice. I couldn’t find the very thing that I’d just agreed to put down on paper for all of eternity and for others to look at and comment on.

I was screwed. Like, right royally.

Just as my confidence was packing it’s bags my rock, the person who I take for granted and the only person I count on who lives within a 1,000km radius of me decided to change jobs. Not normally a big deal and it was something we both agreed on, but at the time we didn’t know that it would mean that he would have to spend all of January in Boston.  Nor did we know that he would be doing Fly In Fly Out starting in May. This meant that he would leave our home at 5am on Monday morning and wouldn’t be home again until 8pm Friday night. Fabulous.

It’s not something that I’ve made widely known for a number of reasons, but as it’s finished now (3 months after it was supposed to end) I feel I can shed some light on why it feels like all I’ve done in the past 3 months is complain without reason. (Although, some might still argue I’ve done that! *wink*) It’s been horrible. Really, really, stinking horrible.

I’ve felt so isolated and lonely in the past 4 months in ways I never knew possible. We have great friends here in Canberra and I’m sure if I had asked they would have helped, but I don’t ask. Not because I’m too proud, but because I know that they too have their families, commitments, work and the little free time they get shouldn’t be spent coming to my house to hold my hand. We also don’t have any family in town so that’s another added degree of difficulty. It’s been hard work to solo parent for those 5 days a week. Really hard.

It’s been hard not because the burden of work has all been on my shoulders, but because I’ve really struggled not having someone here to share it with. We’re a close knit family. We enjoy just being on our own and hanging out around the house. We enjoy each others company. So when one of us is missing it’s a big hole. But I’m not the only one that’s struggled. Our Son has missed his Father. Terribly. It’s hard to explain to a 4 year old where their Dad is when they wake up. It’s hard to see them struggle with changes in their routine, to lose people and gain new people. He’s struggled just as much as I have and it’s been a hard process to be a part of and even harder to watch him struggle.

But that’s not been the only thing to change. I quit my job back in June. A massive decision at any time, but one made even worse because of the pressure of all the other changes. I don’t regret the decision (although I feel like that could change on a dime depending on how our fortune fairs), in fact I credit that decision with the only reason our marriage is still strong, our family is still functional and I’m not sitting in a jail cell waiting a trial date for loosing my proverbial big time.

Added to the mix has been 18 months of illness. Nothing major, just the illness that comes with having a toddler entering the schooling process and being exposed to all those childhood illnesses (please, for the love of humanity, immunise your children!) that kids get. It’s been constant and it’s been shared between the two of us like a game of germ table tennis. I felt like we’d just get clear of something only to get it again. It didn’t help that I was run down, not sleeping (I can’t sleep when I’m the only adult in the house) and eating poorly. The illness added to my delays and my unpredictability at work. If the Little Man got sick I stayed home to look after him, that’s how we’d agreed to do things and I was ok with that. I wasn’t ok with the impact it had on my employer.

For the first six months of the year I tried to juggle writing a book (the biggest thing I’ve ever done and the most challenging thing I’ve done to date) with working three days a week in a job that really needed me there 5 days a week. (Not to mention probably would have been a lot easier if I was mentally there on the 3 days I turned up.) My boss and team mates were really supportive (too supportive given how much my lack of focus and unpredictable attendance made their jobs harder) which made it even worse to tell them I was leaving, but as much as it was a good thing for me it was a good thing for them too – they could replace me with someone who was there 5 days a week. I miss the security of my job, but I don’t miss the job. I loved working for the Australian Public Service and it was something I had wanted to do since I was a young girl, but dreams change and sometimes we grow out of things that we thought we’d love forever. It’s all part of the joy of living.

I think I under estimated the internal pressure that quitting my job would place on me. I now have to generate my own work and that’s a hard thing to do when you’re 5 months behind on your to-do list, your book is overdue and you’re now solo parenting 5 days a week. It’s a lot of pressure to know you’re spending the only money that’s coming in on something that is making no money whatsoever. Seriously, I make no money from my creative endeavours. Any money that is generated goes straight back into it. It’s horrible and it’s something I’m working hard on changing, but it’s also something we were prepared for, but that still doesn’t make it easy.

Coupled with things like a laptop up and dying (there’s a big chunk of change to replace it), both cars having hail damage and needing repairs, both cars being driven into stationary objects and needing repairs, both iPads being damaged and needed to be replaced, my car being ransacked and other little annoying things the financial pressure has been constant and unrelenting – it’s a new experience for me at this level.

But back to the book… By the end of January I knew I was behind on the book’s work schedule. About 2 months behind to be exact. It was totally my doing and nothing to do with the Publisher. My crisis of faith combined with the massive upheaval happening in our family and my other commitments just meant I couldn’t do it. I cannot fully articulate just how big a deal those 2 months turned out to be. They put pressure on the entire process and made things so much more complicated then it had to be.

In a move totally out-of-character for me I didn’t listen to my gut on a fairly big issue to do with the book and I paid the price, but I also learned a major lesson. When you think of me writing the book I’d like you to imagine a composed and driven woman, sitting at her laptop and sewing machine totally in control of what she was doing. But the reality is nothing at all like that. I cried, I avoided, I yelled, I stomped my feet, I refused, I begged, I pleaded, I cursed, I argued, I questioned, I wrote, I unpicked, I deleted, I ate. I ate a lot.

In the end, there came a tipping point and it was only through going through that tipping point that I feel like a major breakthrough has happened for me personally which has allowed the book to be finished. I’ve learned a major life lesson about listening to my gut, trusting my instinct, speaking up for myself and the power of friendship. As of this week I have met all of my requirements (to date). I’ve sent the book projects and associated paraphernalia off to the Publisher. I’m proud of what’s been accomplished and for what I’ve contributed to the process. I have no idea how it’s all going to turn out, but I desperately want to show you what I’ve made this year and so I take that to be a good sign.

I’ve never experienced the consistent self-doubt that I have this year. It was crippling. I can’t tell you what got me through it, but I know there came a point (probably deadline driven) where I just accepted the fact that I have a voice, I have a perspective and I have within me something worthy of being shared, and so I did. I have done more sewing and designing this year then I have ever done – and I can’t share any of it and that sucks (for now). I look at my social media and my blog and it’s in a holding pattern. I’m not blogging like I used to, I’m not sharing like I used to. It’s all because everything I’ve been doing has been in secret and I suck at secrets. I want to share. I crave sharing.

I also want to do everything and I’ve had to learn this year that it’s not always possible to do everything and that’s been a hard lesson. I’m not patient. I’m not patient with myself and I’m not patient with the universe. This year I’ve had to learn patience. Both in my personal life and in my professional life. I still suck at it. Coupled with this lesson has been one about self kindness. I’m too hard on myself and I need to learn when it’s needed and when I’m just flogging a dead horse. I quit my job and I expected to be caught up on my to-do list within the first week of being at home. It didn’t happen – it still hasn’t completely happened.

It’s been a really hard 9 months. In my head I try and remind myself that it could be worse and that there’s others out there doing it so much harder. Some days that works for pulling me out of the bog in my mind, other days I counter it with “But this is my life and this is what I’m living and it’s hard.” It’s not been a pretty 9 months. There’s been some weeks where it’s all I can do to have a shower and keep us fed. But on the whole I’d do it again, slightly differently but I know we’d survive.

With the book items done and off my plate I’m feeling a renewed excitement about creating.  With HUBBY back working in the Capital I’m feeling excited about all the things I can pick up again and for a decent night’s sleep. Houston is just over a month away and I’m starting to get excited about that adventure. I’m really thankful for the lessons I’ve learned this year (because it means the next book will be easier to do!) and I’m really grateful for the love and support that my friends have given me. There were definite points in the book process where it would have fallen over if friends hadn’t stepped in to lighten the load and I can never say thank you enough for that.

I’m grateful for the daily reminders about how lucky we are to have a family that loves each other and wants to be together. I’m thankful that we’re coming to the end of it all and these are the biggest trials we’ve had to face this year. I’m grateful for the renewed energy and focus – I’ll need it to get things back on track and get the additional stress weight off. Above all I’m thankful that the Lord gave me the strength to pick up my load when I felt I couldn’t go on, for providing me with friends and family (both here and afar) who lifted me daily and for a Husband who still listens to me rant and complain when he could easily just mute me and walk away from FaceTime.

So, that’s where I’ve been for the past 9 months. Thanks for reading this far and thank you for just being you. Thank you for the support, comments, emails and laughs over the past 9 months. You’ll never know how a simple email or comment provided a massive ray of sunshine on some of the gloomier days; thank you!

Similar Posts

54 Comments

  1. Angie, that took a lot of courage to share so openly your personal struggles of the past year, but by doing that I’m sure you’ve made such an impact on so many people who will appreciate feeling like they aren’t the only ones trying to be the best mommies they can possibly be, while also following personal passions. I remember all too well the demands of raising two little ones, and now, reading the blogs of so many young moms making time for their creative passions is truly inspirational. I SO enjoy being on the receiving end of so many creative moms, and I DO appreciate the discipline and struggles it takes to provide us with so much amazing inspiration and help in our own creative endeavors. I’m SO behind in my FW QAL, but am thoroughly enjoying following along with you and making these blocks. Thanks for all you do for us; I look forward to each new post!

  2. phew so glad you got through it Angie !! I’m so excited for you that you have a book – can’t wait to see it – I know you work really hard at what you do and I wish you all the success in the world xx have fun in Houston – I’ll be glued to your IG for all the photos 🙂

  3. Thank you for hanging in with the 1930 Farmer’s Wife quilt along. Totally amazed I have been that you took on such a large project of this quilt along plus having a family and illnesses. I had no idea what else was going on behind scenes. But I do know you are a very strong woman and I admire you. There are a lot of us out here who are thankful for you being you. Many are too busy to thank you; but in their hearts they are thinking and saying it. Truly you are never alone!

  4. I look forward to Mondays…long or short post. Thank you for sharing your life with us. Take care, take heart and love, love, live those two men in your life. Huge cyber hugs Jan in Brisbane

  5. Just to let you know you are never alone. I have learned as soon as someone shares a weight on her shoulders, almost everyone in the group is going through or had gone through the same problem or a similar one. I prayed for patience and endurance everyday. Big Hug. You are not alone! So good of to share.

  7. Way to persevere! It will make you stronger in the long run. Too bad it’s so awful to go through! Looking forward to seeing your book1

  8. I’m not a regular reader of your posts, but can understand the stress and pressure we all put on ourselves. It takes courage to move outside your comfort zone and most times it is the best thing to happen to you. Keep telling yourself this is what God has put me here to accomplish, and I can do anything with his support.
    I am probably looking at a big change in my life and routine in the near future. I hope I can manage with strength and confidence and remember it will all work out in the end.
    Good Luck on the book! Margaret – St. Louis, MO USA

  9. Oh Angie, so much of what you wrote feels so familiar, I’m sure many others feel the same connection with it as I do. I am really excited about the prospect of books from you! Well done! I have followed you from farmers wife to 100 block 100 days, so rest assured I will follow your books.

  10. Thank you for being brave enough to share as you have done. We can do everything – but not all at the same time!
    I have just been loving the #100days100blocks challenge, so to me you are simply Mrs Wonderful!
    It is terrifying to give up full-time work to have a creative business. I did this two years ago so I do know… All strength to your elbow. I hope you soon recover.
    Amanda

    1. Thanks Amanda. I’ve been loving the ##100Days100Blocks challenge and it’s helped put a little spark back into my work. It’s because of women like you, who are following their dreams, that I think it’s possible to follow mine. <3

  11. Oh now I don’t feel it’s only me having a crazy time, mines been going on for about 15 months but it’s getting better. Like you I love to share, my blog isn’t like it was as I’ve been doing stuff in secret too. But I am finding ways and things that I think I can share as time is moving on and I’m getting confidence in my new life.

    1. It’s nuts, right? I know so many people who are having a shocking time of it in 2016. I guess it’s just the year for it. I hope you get some routine and balance back – not being able to share stuff is just the pits for me. I’m having to work out other ways to share and stay connected to the community. I hope your confidence continues to grow! <3

  12. Beautifully written post. We always demand so much from ourselves. I’m glad you’ve works through it. I can relate to a lot of what you’ve been through. Hang in there! Looking forward to more of your amazing work and your book

  14. As you shared your story – I could totally empathize with you! My heart just went out to you. Feeling alone with too much on your plate is an awful, awful situation! So glad for the strength that saw you through. Hope things keep looking up and everyone stays healthy.

  15. Hi,
    I appreciate that you told your story. I’m sorry that you had to go through all of this and glad it’s got a happy ending. The reason I appreciate reading this is because I am following you with The Farmer’s Wife 1930’s sew along. In the beginning I couldn’t wait for Monday’s new block and your blog where you gave us your thoughts about the letter of the week. Then it was gone and there was just a short little paragraph and your busy week and being sick and that same paragraph or two just kept happening week after week. I was no longer excited about this quilt and even though I plodded along every week I lot interest. Now of course I have guilt but that’s my problem. This means you’re human and normal, not a Blog Goddess. I wish for you continued good, happy, and healthy days and much good fortune. I myself will go back to looking forward to Monday’s with new eyes. Thank you.

    1. Hi Cindy,

      Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment, I appreciate it. I must admit that your comment did make me do a double take and get to thinking. I’m sorry that you were disappointed that things changed for the sew-along. In future I think I will be more transparent as to why things are changing to help people understand and maybe help to get a little more understanding as to why things need to change.

      As for the thoughts on the letters… I thought about it since first reading your comment and unfortunately I just don’t have it in me to return this feature to the blog posts. I felt like I kept saying the same thing over and over again as the sentiment in the letters is pretty much the same, or a slight variation on the same theme, and so I don’t think it adds any value. I also think, based on the lack of comments that the majority of people are coming to the post for the tutorials and that’s it.

      It did however get me to thinking that we, the blog writers and blog readers, really need to get better at communicating with each other. I can give you hundreds of emails with people complaining (not constructive criticism, outright rude demands and dead-end complaints) about what I write, don’t write, share, don’t share, etc. but I can only give you a handful of emails where people have provided positive feedback. It’s a shame because it means that when I look at what I’m doing I’m inclined to listen to the complaints because I don’t have anything to counter them.

      So please, if I can impart a little bit of a request here, leave a comment on the blog/social media if you love what the person is doing. It boosts them and it means that when they think about the content they provide they know that people love what they’re doing and they’ll continue to do it. Silence is often seen as people are uninterested.

      I hope you’re having a great day,

      Angie.

      1. Hi Angie,
        I’m sorry for my post. I just want you to know I appreciated your story and that it woke me up. You have a lot on your plate and I myself clearly don’t have a life that a blog would mean to much to me. This was my first sew along. Just let me say Thank you. Because of you I bought the book, templates, and bundle from Fat 1/4 shop. I read the letters and shared them with a lot of people some of who/whom I didn’t even know but they overheard a conversation and were interested. I like the simplicity and meaning of the letters compared to the lives of today.

        I personally have been sick since 2010 and previously had cancer in 2004. I have been trying to find my way very slowly with religion. I think that’s one reason I like some of the letters. Because I have a small life I put importance in other things. I look forward to Monday’s which I never did before. I also now have a growing 1930’s fabric collection. I like your blog. I like the links you tell us about. I am amazed by all the little color coded items you put around your blocks. I have even commented on some of the blocks like the last blue one (I loved the colors). You are very gifted.

        Just to let you know I do leave comments not complaints on blogs I’ve followed for years. We have talked back and forth via email. You (bloggers) are very busy young women with families and jobs, and tons of followers and can’t be expected to respond to all comments.

        Long story long, I just wanted you to know when I posted that I appreciated that you shared your recent story and that I felt bad for my feelings. I am sorry for causing you more stress, truly.

        Cindy

  16. Angie, thank you for sharing just how human we really are and having the strength to pull through all the trials. Creative people tend to bite off my than we can chew. I completely understand. Friends, family and our faith pull us through.

    1. Thanks Vivian. The over-bite is an interesting trait and it’s always amazing to see where and how I manage to do it to myself. Oh well.. it’s what helps me to keep growing I guess. 😉

  17. 2016 has been a challenge for my family as well. But through the heartbreak and grief and ugly crying sessions alone in the car,there have also been positive things that I can only imagine are the rewards for persevering. I’m glad things are looking brighter. I cheer for you; so looking forward to seeing you share your work when the time is right. And I second the question above: where can I pre-order?

    1. Hi Lauren – I’m sorry your 2016 has been sucky as well. I try to remember “to be propelled forward an arrow must be first pulled back” – this is just the ramp up to something big. I hope big awesome things are coming your way! Thanks for the interest in the book – I’ll be sure to shout it from the rooftops when the pre-orders open. 😉

  18. Angie, thank you so much for pulling back the curtain and sharing some honesty about real life. My husband and I are such a team, that I know I would also be crippled to be without him for 5 days a week for months on end. And we only have a cat. I hope that whatever comes next in the process for this book starts a much more joyous arc in the process. Thanks again. xx

    1. Hi Yvonne – I knew we were close before he went away, but I hadn’t really comprehended how that closeness played out in our day-to-day. I hope you never have to experience it. 🙂 <3

  19. Such a courageous and beautiful post. YOU are amazing in so many ways – your complete honesty is a breath of fresh air for so many people struggling with day-to-day and more-than-normal pressures. You write freely and beautifully – I’m sure the book is more than a true reflection of everything and everyone you are!
    K xx

    1. Ditto that. Keera put my thoughts into words better than I ever could. Go you good thing. And you know we’re all in the wings cheering you on! You’re my kind of peach.

    2. Oh stop it Miss Keera, you’ll make me blush! Thanks for your lovely words and your support. I’m so glad we got to meet! Just need to make more time to connect as you make me laugh and that’s something I cherish. Hope you’re having a rocking day! <3

  20. Doing the separation bit for work is awful. It doesn’t matter how other people live – it isn’t how you want it to be. I’ve done it twice, and it is hard. You should be so proud of yourself for making it through, and being productive to boot.
    You wrote a book! Congratulations, and where can I preorder a copy?

    1. Thanks Jennifer! I’ll be sure to completely and utterly saturate every form of social media I have when it becomes available for pre-order. 😉 🙂 <3

  21. What a year it has been for you! Look back at the amazing thing that has happened – you survived, achieved and learnt a few more things about what makes you happy and not happy.

  22. Dearest Angie! Thank you for sharing your story. I feel for you! You are one amazing lady and please know that we are behind you! I hope things get back to “normal” now that your book is done and your hubby is back. I love your work and have had so much fun on the Farmer’s Wife quilt along! I look forward hopefully running into you in Houston!!! xox

  23. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably. It’s amazing how comforting this was for this mom/quilter/writer in Colorado to read tonight. We are powerful and strong women, but our vulnerabilities make us real. Congratulations on finishing the book!- the cowgirl in the city

  24. Your fluidity with words makes me feel your thoughts.
    Can’t wait for all the unveilings…
    Xoxo Nicole

  26. You’re amazing Angie, a-freaking-mazing!! So glad you’ve voiced this, I imagine it’s cathartic for you – but it’s helped me too.

    2016 has been a year of really hard grief/growth for me too. Like you, mostly behind the scenes battled alone. In fact, so many people I know have found 2016 to be one of the toughest yet.

    When you live your life with an appreciation of coincidences and their meanings, you connect with the underlying field of infinite possibilities – Deepak Chopra

    1. Thanks Kristal. I’d never heard that quote before but I have now printed it out and pinned it to my inspiration board. Thanks for sharing! I hope you’re 2016 is on the improve, it’s been a hard year but we’ll be stronger for it. Thinking of you. <3

  27. Thankyou Angie, this road we as women & mothers is a bloody tough one. Glad you have your hubby back and your little family together again Xxx

Comments are closed.