THE ONE THING THEY DIDN’T TELL ME ABOUT BECOMING A PARENT
When you’re pregnant every man and his four legged friend has some must-have piece of advice. Seriously, you hear it all. I had a stranger stop to tell me all about her vaginal tearing while I was doing the grocery shopping. (Love being a lady!)
Out of all the advice I heard during those (long long long) 9 months, no one (not one person or their pet) told me that I would become obsessed (obsessed!) about death.
Now, any one that knows me will attest I think about death more than the average bear at the best of times but since the Little Man made his worldly debut I see death traps all around me. Death is lurking everywhere.
I don’t want to die.
I didn’t want to die before he came into being but now I have ratcheted that up another (million) notch. I really don’t want to die.
I want to be there to see him grow into the wonderful man I hope he will become. I want to see if he takes after me (and is all class) or takes after his dad (and will one day be caught sucking chilli sauce out of his tie). I want to see him fall in love. I want to be there when he finds the thing that makes him happy. I want to see it all.
But everywhere I look I see death just waiting to jump out and take me.
Never before have I been so obsessed about my health (she types as she finishes her dinner of Coke Zero and Cadbury Top Deck). A couple of weeks after he was born I was in the GP’s surgery in tears begging her to give me a referral to have a mammogram. (I was watching a lot of E channel and Giuliana Rancic was all over it talking about her breast cancer experience.)
The GP calmly talked to me about the chances of me having breast cancer given I had no known lump, family history and (apparently) there’s no correlation between IVF treatment and breast cancer. She also pointed out that as I’d only just given birth the last place I’d want to be putting my breasts was in a giant vice.
Fair point…
But that didn’t stop me from finding death in other places. I had a mark on the back of my hand that I was positive would be a melanoma. I went to the Skin Clinic (which I do every year, but this time it was only 6 months since my last visit) and the nice doctor informed me that it was an (ack!) age spot.
Every creak and groan, every sore joint or headache, I’m convinced I’m dying. I’m convinced I’m going to be robbed of seeing my son’s future. But it’s not just limited to my body giving out on me.
I have always been paranoid about traveling by air or road around major holidays (Easter, Christmas, school holidays, etc.) or birthdays. (I know, it’s all part of my quirky charm.) It’s something that has been fostered in my pysche since I was a teenager and I blame the media. You always read those stories; “died only a day before their 50th wedding anniversary” or “killed before Christmas” or “newlyweds killed on honeymoon”. Celebrating an event is like begging for trouble.
My paranoia and fear has gotten so bad that I’m avoiding traveling on highways or flying. Case-in-point, for Easter this year we’re heading to Melbourne to see our newest niece/nephew. (So excited!) I can’t wait to be in Melbourne with the Little Man. (Hello Chadstone!) But the traveling has me freaking-the-firetruck-out.
Seriously, I’ve been laying awake at night trying to make an exhaustive list of the risks and probabilities. This is how bad it has gotten; I have booked flights (not cheap given the time of year) based on the rationale that the roads are notoriously bad and the flight will be a quick one and statistically flying is safer in Australia, only to cancel the flights after reading an article about a QANTAS flight dropping 30,000 feet in 5 minutes when the cabin started to loose pressure.
My absolute terror of flying won out over my fear of having a car accident. Seriously, I’m not making this shit up; we’re driving to Melbourne and we have a $700 credit with QANTAS.
I have become so fearful that something will happen to us it’s starting to make me look like a loon. (More so than usual.)
Is this normal? Am I the first new parent on the planet to become obsessed with dying? Why did no one warn me that this would happen! Does it get better?
I read a lot of parenting books before (and after) his arrival and not one of those so called parenting help (ha!) books mentioned this. If I have in fact developed the first ever death paranoia associated with the birth of your first child do I get to name it? (Gnomius Expirious Syndrome has a nice ring to it…)
I don’t know what the answer is… for now I’m just hoping it gets better and steering clear of genetically modified foods, the microwave and tandem parachuting.
Thanks!!
And the funny thing is, we got married around the time of the Royals too. Luckily I haven’t been crazy sick like Kate – LOL
Ohhh really? So if you have a boy will you call it William and Kate for a girl? 😉
Wow, thanks for the tip! I’m due in July but death has been on my mind for the last 2 years anyway. My father was diagnosed with cancer over 2 years ago and every day I thought about death – not mine but his. And I have to tell myself all the time, that there is nothing I can do about it except love him more. He died in November last year and I still think about him and death.
With the baby coming, I’m currently more paranoid about things like SIDs, or recently read about some kid who was killed when her dresser fell on her and just about anything that can kill a small child. I haven’t really thought about my own mortality but now I’ll know it’s coming up 🙂
Hello Lien! Congratulations, I can’t believe I missed knowing that you were expecting. (Too wrapped up in parenting!) Sorry! I hope you’ve had a great pregnancy! You’re due the same time as the Royal Baby – very exciting!
It is hard – for some reason I found I became hyper sensative to everything. I too was so paranoid about SIDS. (I remember very clearly staying awake ALL night because I didn’t want to go to sleep in case something happened to him while he was sleeping. It was crazy, and at the time I knew it was crazy but I just couldn’t help myself. I often think that the reason he’s such a heavy breather (ie. snores a lot) is because God wanted me to be able to get some sleep – I can always hear him breathing so I’m a little more relaxed.)
It gets easier as the weeks go on. A midwife told me that on our first post-hospital home visit and I remember thinking she was the crazy one – that there was no way I would feel relaxed EVER! But I’m happy to say that she was right and I was wrong.
I’m sure you’ll be wonderful – whether you’re freaky paranoid like I am or cool calm and collected (like I wish I was). The trick is to just try to enjoy it.
If you ever want to talk about anything just drop me a line – always happy to listen. I’m so excited for you – you’re going to have a blast!!!
I read this post with interest and could empathise totally. It is common…in the last 2 yrs since Boog’s birth. I have been convinced I am dying. I have persuaded my GP to order the following tests – colonoscopy, pelvic ultrasound, Hip X-ray, gastroscope, 24 heart monitoring, H-pylori breath test, mammogram and numerous specialist referrals. I think the highlight (???) was when after having takeaway I was convinced that they had sneaked in death cap mushrooms. I plead hormones and lack of sleep for that one (maybe temporary insanity). I am however healthy (ish) could do with dropping 15kg. Being a parent turns the worry up to max volume. I ended up going on anti-anxiety meds and now are so much more chilled re my health.
It’s understandable..you want the best for little man, and that is you and hubby!
Jo
Damn, I knew there was a reason I liked you! We’re kindred spirits!!!! I did a stint on the anti-anxiety medication a while back and it worked a treat, but this time my GP informs me that I’m totally normal and my anxiety will settle down as time goes on. I suspect she’s right, but there’s just so much out there that I don’t want to happen. I just try to focus on the good stuff that is happening and figure I’ll deal with the rest later. 🙂
Ha…i think I enjoy reading your blog because I often think you think like me…I think the kindred spirit detector light flashed when you quoted ‘So I married an axe murderer’ in reference to Little Man’s head circumference. Both my sons have had ‘orange on a tooth pick’ issues, though Boy seems to be growing into his head at 5yrs old..
🙂
My poor son, he’s going to hear quotes from that movie for his whole life. (“Come Nadia let us dance like children of the night!”)
I remember watching a TV show (maybe Mad about you) where the new mother was so paranoid about dying when she and her husband went somewhere without the baby the parents took separate planes. This was so if one crashed he baby would still have one parent.
When Boy Child was young I think I found that quite reasonable. I think your own mortality seems greater when a child is depending on you.
I loved Mad About You – I wanted to call our dog Tyson, Murray but he already came with a name and Hubby said we couldn’t change it.
I think that’s totally reasonable! 😉 Although I do find myself thinking that if we have to go out I hope we do it all together… but then I just hope we never have to and save us all the drama and hassle. 😉
I think of this often too. Maybe because it took so long to reach this point or because husbands father passed suddenly 11 years ago, my hubs had a stroke and he’ll cardiac disease has even tried to claim my boy. I realized that worrying about it won’t make the outcome any different. I can either stress about when it’ll happen, if it’ll happen at a certain time, or I can say, screw it and enjoy the moment. When those thoughts creep in I push them away and look at the now.i thought of writing letters to R, “things I want you to know”… I can’t make a deal with God. He knows my desires and needs. I can however control my attitude and that will leave a lasting impression.
Changed up my blogging ideas…thus the new link.
Jessica
I’m glad I’m not alone! I know that having HUBBY’s mother pass away unexpectedly has had a major impact on the way both of us think about life and I think this is feeding the paranoia a little as well. And you’re totally right, worrying about it robs today of it’s sunshine. I had the same thought about writing letter too – maybe this is something I should do… You’re so right, thanks for sharing! 🙂
Ooohhh exciting – will go and check it out!!!!!